全家福 My family member

这是我的第一张全家福，摄于儿子出世后三个星期。当时的我非常心急想要知道脑里真正的状况。于是拍了这第一张全家福后，就赶到吉隆坡去做检查。心里当时在想：就算是万一出了什么状况，也让孩子们有个记念。离开的时候感觉像是生离死别，因对未来充满着问号。
This is my first family photo taken during my son reached three weeks old. I was so concerned about what was happening in my brain. Before I decided to go to Kuala Lumpur for the further checkup, I took this picture. I was thinking that my children will have at least something to memorize if something unexpected happened to me on this trip. It was hard for me, knowing the risk involving in brain surgery and I might not come back a live to meet them again.
两个孩子由家婆暂时照顾，我带着工人和丈夫到中央医院去做检查。这是因为在这之前的扫描并不能够看清楚我的动静脉异形正确的位置及状况，因此必须做另一种立体扫描（脑血管造影〕（Angiogram）, 我到吉隆坡中央医院排队等见脑科医生，医生只与我谈了大约三分钟就告诉我说我的情况不急，但要记得控制情绪，叫我回家等一个月后才安排我照立体扫描。我大老远从槟城赶来就那么几句话。我的确非常失望，我已经等了好久，整整五个月，对脑里的真正的情况依然一无所之。
My mother in-law was taking care of my two children. I went to general hospital in Kuala Lumpur with my husband and maid. The scan before this cannot precisely shown how large and where is my AVM (ArterioVenous Malformation) located. For this, I have to perform Angiogram. Waited for so long in a queue, the brain specialist in the general hospital only talked to me about 3 minutes and she told me that my case is NOT urgent but just need to control my emission. Asked me to go home and wait for a month before I can do my angiogram, or else we have to go for private specialist. I was so disappointed after I had waited for nearly five months; went all the way to Kuala Lumpur and know nothing about my condition.
我和丈夫商量后决定到梳邦再也医院再做第二次的资讯。脑科医生看起来经验丰富，他说动静脉异形的确少见，但叫我不用太担心，他说遇过有些幸运的人活到七十多岁到死都没发作。他也劝告我说别太担心，要我像往常一样过我的生活。因为他也说我的脑血管破裂是因为它失去了弹性，而不是因为我的情绪的波动。他安排我马上入院做立体扫描（脑血管造影）（Angiogram），过后再讨论该如何做。
After discussed with my husband, we decided to go for a second opinion at Subang Jaya Medical Centre. The doctor seems more experience, he told me that AVM is rare but not too worry about it. Some patients survived after AVM without second rapture. He advised me to continue my life as usual because the rapture of blood vane was due to elasticity deterioration, and it was not my emotion. He asked me to admit so that he could performed angiogram the next day. After that, they would advise us what the next move was.
当天我就入院，第二天早上做立体扫描（脑血管造影）（Angiogram）。第二天一早，我被推进医院里的镭射中心(imaging centre)，医生给了我麻醉针，我沉入半昏迷状况，依稀听到一些声音及有一些感觉，我感觉到医生把一个管子从大腿的静脉进入身体，到达我的颈部时，他叫我别动，他要把药水（染色体）放进去了，我感觉一股热流往脑里冲，迷迷糊糊之中，也不知道过了多久，我被推出来，然后被推入病房休息。后来丈夫告诉我过程大约一个小时。做了扫描，医生说要躺着八个小时别动，不然动脉会再次破裂，必须多做一个手术，把坏死细胞刮掉然后缝针。就这样乖乖的躺了八个小时。
The next morning, they sent me to the imaging centre. After anesthetist’s induction, I was half conscious. The doctor inserted a tiny hose through venous near my right groin. I could feel the hose moved in my blood vane right up to my neck. The doctor then instructs to stay still and he injected dyestuffs. I could feel a stream of warm liquid filled up my brain. Dizzily, I could not remember how long the whole process took. After the angiogram, I have to stay in bad for 8 hours to avoid bleeding from the opening.
当天晚上，两位医生来看我，他们说我的动静脉的直经很大，因此有两个不同的方法解决，一个方法无需开刀称为intervention surgery，但由于直经有十三公分，应该要分成三个不同的程序。首两个程序要把周遭的血管阻塞，称为”Embolisation”，让范围缩小后才能做最后的程序－电疗(SRS)，让整个动静脉干枯，让血液不再往这儿通过。但也许须不只三次的程序，费用是相当的大。
另一个选择就是动脑部的手术，最直接最快也最便宜，但医生说那个部分相当深，一样的成功率也不知道有多大。我只记得当时泪流满脸，我也记得医生劝我说：你应该高兴现在我们有办法解决，如果是五年前，我们只可以告诉你无能为力。

That night, two specialists came and informed me that the diameter of AVM is large, and proposed 2 solutions. The first solution is called intervention surgery; but due to large AVM (13 cm), the whole operation has to slit into three times. The first two were to clog the surrounding blood vessels through “Embolization” to reduce the size and followed by Stereotactic Radio Surgery(x-knife). This would shrink the AVM to prevent blood flow in it. Depending on the response, the process might need more 3 times and the cost is huge.
The second solution was the normal brain operation, straight forward and the cheapest. But the doctor informed that the AVM was situated deep in the centre of the brain and higher risk. I was crying hopelessly. The doctor continues by saying that I should be happy because they have solution for me.
如果你曾经到脑科病楼走走，你会发现那儿的情况非常恐怖，特别是政府医院，你会见到好多手术后依然不能清醒的病人并排躺着，护士在一个一个的拍、在摇、在呼唤他的名字。我住过因此印象深刻，况且现在邻床也正躺着一个，今早我也听见护士帮他抹身后在呼唤他，所以我说什么都不想开刀。人家说：不怕一万，只怕万一。
从躺着到如今能慢慢地踏步，得来可一点都不容易，怎样都不想去赌这一场，如果我又因开刀而唤不醒，不是比现在还不如。孩子还小，说什么我都不能冒险开刀。最感动地是听到丈夫对我说：钱不是问题，只要你安全。弟弟及爸爸也至电说：钱不用紧，他们可以解决。因此决定要选择无须开刀的方法。

If you ever have chance to visit neurosurgery ward, you will notice a horrible situation, especially the general hospital. You will see rows of coma patients after the operation. The nurse move around. They were shaking the patient hand or body and calling patients’ name. I have been admitted to similar ward and it terrified me. The patient next to me has put into coma after operation. I am not going to take the risk with normal operation. As Chinese phrase quote: “not afraid of 10,000 cases but just in case”
Since my left side paralyzed till now, I am able to walk slowly; it is not easy at all, I am not going to gamble my life. It is worst coma than able to walk even slowly. My children still young and I can not risk myself for operation. The most heart warming was my husband’s support in my safety and not the monetary. My brother and father also conveyed the same massage. I had decided not to operate through the conventional operation method.
我要这一张照片成为第一张而不是最后一张。我告诉了医生我的意愿，医生就告诉我们说费用很高，劝我们转到政府医院，因为该医生有在那儿当顾问，可以让他的学生帮我做。他叫我好好考虑清楚。回家先商量再告诉他，因为他们不能马上替我做。他们要我们考虑清楚，然后他们再做安排。就这样我结束了这一次的医院之旅，开始期待下一次到医院的旅程。
I wanted this photo to be the first but not the last one. I told doctor my wish and the doctor advised me to try at university hospital being reason of the operation cost is high, and he is the consultant surgeon in that hospital but his student will perform the intervention. He asked me to back home and discuss over it then inform him what our decision was. I end my first journey and look forwards to the next trip.

这是过后无数次的全家福，我庆幸依然活着。 These were photoes taken after the operation. I am please that I can still take photograph with my family members.

一步一脚印 A single step a single trace

每天大家都在走路，可有尝试放慢脚步，感受一下走路的感觉。从前的我从没尝试过，每天只会匆匆忙忙往前走。唯一做的只是到达目的地后，让可怜的双脚休息一下。我不单对自己要求快，连带要求在旁的人也像我一样快。

We walk each day, have you ever slow down to notice how our limbs and body move with our steps? I never did till I stroked. We were too busy, chasing time. We might only let our poor legs to take a rest after each journey. I used to walk fast; I even wanted the guys beside me to walk fast.
中风后，从零开始，重新学习走路。现在才真的了解走路一点都不容易。原来人类小时候要勇敢地跨出那第一步，需要无比的勇气及不断地鼓励，只是当时的我们，不会把感觉说出来。而且那刹那间的记忆，随着接下来无数的学习，而渐渐被淡忘。
在物理治疗处在三个人的扶持下我重新跨出了第一步后，对于走路的体验，可以说是日日新。那一天过后，回家后我都坚持尽量自己走路。当时的我可说用那一只无力的脚为支撑点，右脚快步地跨过去，整个人都倾向右边。由于怀孕，大家对我都非常苛护，想要站起来就得喊人护着我，大家都害怕我会跌倒。
After I had stroked, I have to start and learn to walk like a new born baby. I realized that walking is not just that simple. When we were young, to make the first step, it needs lots of courage and strength. It was only that we were too young to express it. Those flash moments of memory have slowly been replaced by subsequent learning and vanish without notice.
With help of three rehab assistances, I made my first step. I gained new experience each time I walk. Back home, I insisted to walk while still able to. I used the weak left leg as a support and right leg to step fast. My whole body had shifted to right. Due to pregnancy, family members were extremely caution, worried that I might fall.

我非常记得当时每一次坐下或躺下站起来时，就又好像要重新开始学习，尤其是每天早上起来的那一刻。左边不太受控制，走路时要非常的专心。所以要不停地提醒自己：脚扳放好，膝盖要直，屁股向前移，身体随着往前轻微移动，右边接着向前踏步。其实应该比小时候更容易，因为右边已经不必再学，可是长大后的我们已经明白并尝试过跌倒的痛楚、理解到别人眼光背后的问号，学走路时会因为身体的不平衡而感到非常的困难。只好边走边说，不断提醒自己往前走。只要稍微失神，就会停顿在当处，不会走路了。

I have to start all over again each time before I started to move after resting; especially, each morning after I woke up. I have to concentrate because my left limbs still very weak. Each time, I repeated the sequences thought: secure and full up step, straight up knee, push buttock, move shoulder and body slowly forward followed by right limbs. Theoretically, it should sound easier than before because I already have the other half which is working perfectly. But after I had grown up, I knew my past experience and the pain after each fall; I also understood the reason behind each stare. With all these concern in mind, I found difficult to balance my body. What I have to do is to remind myself each movement that I have to do to make me step forward. Once I out of focus, I will stood there and can not proceed any further.
生孩子之前，我只被允许在家里走动；我每天早上就在家里不停转圈，自己计算时间。最多也只是在停车位晒晒太阳。生孩子之后，我就开始到屋外马路学走。踏出屋外，空淌淌地，了无一物，没有安全感因为无处可靠或扶。穿上鞋子走路的感觉又完全不同，现在明白到原来穿上鞋子也需借助脚趾的力量，因此为了要找上适合的鞋子也费了一番功夫。
那时的我，每走一步，就要人帮我把脚趾扳平。再加上脚还会往外翻，还要工人稍微踩踏脚板。工人陪我在屋外走动，一段短短的路程（来回大约100公尺），我要用一个小时才走完。我总是乘女儿还未上幼儿园之前（六点）起来走路。慢慢地，我增加至来回200 公尺，用大越两个小时。当时的我简直就是一寸一寸往前进。途中如果有人要与我打招呼或有车从车房要往后退，我就得在原地站住。所以如果你看到中风的人在用心走路时，不要说他骄傲, 因稍微分心他就完全不会走了。

Before I delivered, I only allowed to move inside my house. I will start to walk in a circle in my dining room, counting cycle time. After delivered, I started to walk on the road. It was totally deferent when you walked on the road. There was nothing that you can hold on. Walk with the shoe on is another difficult job. Now only I realized that we need the strength from our toes to carry our shoe. For this, I have spent quite some times looking for a shoe which suit me best.
I need someone to correct my toe each step. My foot will also flip and need other to step on my foot. I took about one hour to finish 100 meter. I will start walking at 6.00am before my daughter went to kindergarten. After quite some time, I increase the distance to 200 meter and it took around 2 hours to finish. I could only move inch by inch. In between, I can not move if neighbours greet me or someone reversing car out of porch. If you bounce into a walking stroke patient, don’t disturb. Once he or she out of focus, they will stand there and can not proceed any further.

看着儿子从零开始学习，从软棉棉地躺着到慢慢站起来，现在的他会跑也会跳。从客厅到饭厅，偶尔他也会牵着我，还会迁就着我的步伐，缓慢地前进。路上见到拿着拐杖的人，他会指着那人对我说：妈妈，一样的！
今天的我把走路念念有词的习惯改成念经，我已经可以边走路边与人打招呼，速度加快了四倍，但与常人相比依然是慢。不怕慢只怕站，千里之行始于足下，我常鼓励自己一步一脚印慢慢往前进，虽然比较慢，但我总会到达目的地.

Observing my little son day by day, he started to learn how to stand. Now he can run and jump. Some time he holds my hand and walk together in my speed from our dining room to living room. Whenever he saw someone walk slow, he will point out and says,” Mummy, same, same!”
Now I change my walking habit from repeating the walking instruction to pray. I can chat while walking. Even I had increased my speed but still slow compare to others. ‘Step forward don’t just stand there’,’thoundsand miles start from a step’, that is how I encourage myself to step forward. Even though I am slow, some day some how I will reach my destiny.

我的孩子-持恒 My little baby - Chi Hen

中风后，去见了原本看的妇产科医生。医生说已经怀孕快五个月了，如果把他拿掉的危险性与生出一样大。他劝我耐心等待，足月后帮我剥腹生产。其实心里从来没想过不要这个娃娃，只是心里老是盘算着何时可以把他生出来，让我专心医病。肚子开始大起来，医生告诉我他已经资讯了英国的几位资深医生。我的生产过程不会疼痛，他也给了我一个生产的日期－三月七日，比原定日期四月十六日早了整个半月。心总算定下来，算是解决了一件事。

After I had my stroke, I went to check up at the usual gynecologists. The doctor told me the baby is nearly 5 months. The risk for me to delivery or to have an abortion is the same. He persuades me to be patient, after 34 weeks he would arranged the caesarian for me. Actually I never thought of that idea. The only thing that concerned me was when I could deliver and concentrate in my treatment of AVM. After 33 weeks, the doctor told me that he already consulted a few senior specialists from England, the caesarian process won't hurt (I will face a high risk of massive stroke due to labour pain). The doctor told me to come back at 7th of Mac 2006(due date). Then I felt relief and looking forwards to it.

三月三日，星期五，我像往常一样到物理治疗中心做运动。回家后进厕所一看，来红了，心开始紧张，幸好爸爸还在，马上载我到医院。医生来检查我后，告诉我明天早上可以剥腹生产了。
三月四日，一大早，我就冲凉准备进手术室了，全家人都来了，开始为我祈祷。九点半，麻醉师从脊椎骨放药进我的身体，下半身没有感觉，弹动不得。对别人来说也许没什么，但我异常紧张，因为我左半身就已经长期麻痹，又失去右边脚的感觉，非常害怕。

麻醉师不停与我说话，左手已经不受控制不停发抖，他把我的手梆了起来。妇产科医生开始帮我开刀拿出孩子，只听到像吸尘机的声音。儿科医生在旁接过孩子并拿给我看。医生说我必须在紧急室渡过一晚，他们会给我麻醉药直到明天。

在紧急室里，丈夫告诉我说孩子一切正常，重二点七公斤，只是肺部感染，须住在保育箱关察。
第二天，我转到普通病房，住了两晚，儿子也在那保育箱里住了两天，因躺了两晚脚跟太紧，走路不稳，进去见他还要做轮椅，终于他也平安转到普通婴儿室。我不敢抱他，因为另一只手无力抓紧他，怕他跌倒。

3rd March 2006, Friday, I went to the toilet after returned from rehab center and I started to bleed. I became nervous and luckily my father was around. Without any delay he brought me to hospital. After inspection, the gynaecologist informed that I could deliver through caesarian operation by tomorrow.

4th March, Morning, I bathe and prepared my self to the operation theater. All family members came and pray for me. 9.30am, after the anaesthetist induced medicine into my spinal cord, my lower limbs paralyzed. These feeling might not be a big issue to others, but it does for me. I had already lost movement on left limbs and now on the right half, I was really afraid.
The anaesthetist kept talking to me, and my left arm started to shake out of controlled. He has no choice but to tie up my hand. The gynaecologist begins to open up and took out my baby. The only surrounding sound was the vacuum machine. He handed over my baby to a child specialist and she showed him to me and later she informed that I have to spend a night in ICU with given anaesthetics for further observation.

In the ICU, my husband told me that the baby was alright. He weighted 2.7kg. His lungs had infection so he had to stay two nights in the incubator. I slept two nights in the bed without moving, I can’t walk. I went to see my baby on the wheel chair. I didn’t dare to hold my baby because my left hand was weak.

丈夫替孩子取名为持恒，他说要时时提醒我，持之有恒，决不放弃，并坚持到底。幸好孩子没事，健康成长，奇迹并没有因为生了孩子而发生，我依然得到物理治疗处继续努力。

My husband named the baby boy Chi Hen. ‘Chi Hen’ in Chinese means “persistence”. His intention was to remind the child that his mother had great sacrifices to give him a chance to live. I discharged but his stayed a week due to jaundice. Sadly, miracle did not happen. After the delivery, except a lighter body, I continue my journey to rehab center for work out.

My mother 我的母亲

母亲姓冯名玉琼。孩子全长大后，都到北马一带发展。弟弟也买了一间双层半独立式，爸爸退休后，我们就一直邀两老来一块儿住，不必两人来回老家及这儿。其实这儿也是我父亲的家乡。
谁知道才搬来不到一年，妈妈就跌倒了，伤了盘骨。行动时会很痛，从此意志消沉。原本每天总会啐啐念，但慢慢被叹息声取代，笑容从她的脸上消失，嘴角也向下弯了。只是爱躲在房里睡觉。有人来探望，她也不理不睬。物理治疗也不肯做，连上厕所都不要，开始穿起尿布来，唯一肯做的就是按摩。

My mother name is Foong Yoke Kheng. After we had grown up, we stayed and worked in northern Malaysia. My brother bought a double storey semi-detach house. After my father’s retirement, we requested them to move over, so they didn’t have to travel. Actually here is my father’s hometown too.
After they had moved about a year, my mother fell down and cracked her pelvis. She complaint about pain whenever she walked. She became unhappy. Before this she liked to chat; she seldom smiles since then. She always stays in the room; doesn’t even bother when friends came and visited her. She refused to do exercise and even go to the toilet. She preferred to wear diapers. The only thing she wanted to try was massage.
My brother hired a maid to take care of her. Her spirit completely downed, she didn’t want to try even we encouraged her. Doctor advised that this is not good for her. I always reminded myself not to do likewhat she did when I grow older. But God’s will, I have to fae similar situation even before at the age of 40.
弟弟请了一个工人照顾她。她意志消沉，完全没有战斗力，我屡劝不听，什么也不想做。医生说心情会影响病情，但她老是不听。不久，她也能自行走动了我常警惕自己老了别像她。谁知道我四十不到就必须面对相似地情况。

After I had my stroke, all the attention from the family members shifted to me. Although she can walked, but sighed at each step. They gather at my house and maid helped to massage. My mother was so impatient and pushed to come back home. In return, I encouraged her to improve. (I was full of confidence that I could recover during that period)

中风回家后，全家人把注意力从母亲转移到我的身上。母亲虽然已经能够自己走路，但依然常常哀声叹气。中风后，大家就会到我家聚合，带着佣人来帮我按摩，她就会一直催大家回家。在她的面前我总是充满信心，鼓励她也振作起来。(其实初期中风的我的确充满信心，对前景毫不担心。)

中风一个月后，爸爸载我到医院检查，医生警告我说要控制情绪，不可太过伤心或高兴。当天就听说妈妈肚子痛进了医院。我当然是没有去探望她。这几天，全家人都一直进出医院，我被告之说她的病情不稳定，起起落落，进了紧急室。我只能够在家念经回向给她，希望她能渡过这一关。
After a month, my father fetched me to hospital for follow-up. Doctor advised me to control my emotion. On the same day, my mother was admitted and I couldn’t visit her. My relative to-and-fro hospital and I was told that her condition is not stable and bedded in ICU. I could only pray for her and wished that she would make it.

十二月八日晚上七点半，丈夫匆忙回家载我和女儿去爸爸家说妈妈出院了，要我们去见她。我就有些奇怪了，在路上忍不主问是不是出事了？因为病人不可能从紧急室马上回家。丈夫叫我保持冷静，说妈妈病情恶化，我们现在赶去见她最后一面。
7.30pm, 8th Dec 05, my husband informed that my mother was discharged from the ICU and she is on her way back to my brother’s house. He instructed me and my daughter to get ready to visit her right away. I suspected something is wrong and asked my husband whether bad thing had happen? He asked me to keep calm and to be with my mother through her last moment.

到了那儿，全家都到了，用轮椅推我去见她，她已手脚冰冷了。妹妹已帮她换好衣服、化好了妆，见了我后，医务人员就把插管拔掉，她也停止了呼吸，再由医生来证实她的死亡时间。
All the close family members arrived. They wheeled me beside her bed and her body temperature decreased. My sister dressed her up properly and the nurse pull out all supporting hoses (that moment, she couldn’t breath by her self) and the doctor confirmed that she had passed away.

她就这样走了，大家怕我情绪太过波动，送我回家，我也乖乖听话，她的葬礼我没出席，我只在家不停念经，还强打精神继续做物理治疗。其实这也是我的遗憾，虽然我知道她一定不会怪我。
We lost her… not to let me to go into deeper emotion, they send me home, I obey and cry my eyes out. I could not attend her funeral, just prayed for her from a distance. I knew as a mother, she would not blame her children for not being able to attend funeral, but yet, I feel sorry till now. I spirited my self to continue with the rehab.

物理治疗 Rehability

回家后，第一件事就是要物理治疗，把自己的不能变成能。在医院只学会了坐和站。父亲从朋友口中知道了一家私人物理中心，于是自己就此进入了另一个世界。
第一天到那儿认识了和蔼的张女士， 她马上要我从床上走到厕所，十一天来我第一次站起来走路，当时是左一人扶，右一人扶，还有一人要提我的左脚。那天晚上，我竟然可以提起左脚，我赶快打电话告诉爸爸。让我对以后充满了信心，当时的我以为只要我勤劳，三到六个月准能恢复正常。

可惜，人生总不能事事如意，我天天祈祷，希望有奇迹出现。结果天天带泪失望地睡着。梦里的我总是个会跑会跳的人，醒来后依然左边瘫痪。平时开心乐观的我原本一点都不担心，因为也见过好几位中风者痊愈了。 但是伤心失望终是难免。劝人的话从前自己也常对人说，现在明白到当事人只有一个念头：你又不是我，你怎会了解。原来做起来比说难上好几万倍。

这个时刻家人的支持最为重要，我很幸运有一个好丈夫及好爸爸。丈夫虽然忙着工作但每晚总会好话说尽，当时确实听不进，但经验告诉我，家人及朋友的劝告不可间断。它会让我们鼓起勇气向前进。当时的我心情坏透，根本不想说话也不想见人，因为我开始失去勇气不断回忆那段恐怖的遭遇。爸爸虽然不多话，但总是尽量安排载我去物理治疗。每天我都会收到好几个远方朋友所传来的短讯，老实说当时的确很受用。我开始每天到物理治疗处报到，每天重复几种呆板的运动，问题是我也总是做不到。人生这一条道路总要往前走，于是我开始明白这一条路不好走。

After I went home, the first thing I did was to search for a rehab centre; I just hoped that miracle will happen. I learnt to sit and stand in the hospital. Then my father found a rehab centre in Kampung Sirih, Bukit Mertajam. I walked into a different world since then.

The very first day, I met a nice lady name Madam Diong. When I said I wanted to go to the toilet, she asked me to walk. This was the first time I walked since stroke. I walked to the toilet with the help of three people. One on the right and one on my left side both holding my arms, another one was lifting my left foot. That night, I managed to lift up my foot. I told my father immediately. I was so confident that if I work hard enough I will gain back my strength within 3 to 6 months.

However in our life things won’t happen as we planned. Even though I pray every day and night, the miracle didn’t happen. I wet my pillow every night. I can run and jump in my dream, but when I woke up my left side still paralyzed. I was a happy woman and always think positively. I knew a few stroke survivors who become normal now. But I still feel sad and disappointed with my unknown future. Whenever others tried to advise us, we as a patient will always think that you are not in my shoe, how do you know my feelings?

Moral support from the family is the most important thing to encourage the patient. I am lucky to have a supportive and understanding husband and father. Every night my husband will try to motivate me to make me feel better. At that moment I was still in denial and cannot accept my condition. I feel that the encouragement from the family members and friends shouldn’t stop. That will make us brave enough to face our problems. I felt really bad, I don’t want to talk and meet anyone. This is because I do not want to repeat my story over and over again. My father didn’t talk much but he always tried his best to fetch me to the rehab centre. I received a few SMS from my friends everyday. It really helps. I went to rehab centre everyday and repeat the same physical exercises that I can’t even do. I know that life have to move on and still a long way to go.

我开始学会看眼前及珍惜眼前。出院至今由远自彭亨的小姑照顾我，邻居小青替我煮午餐及晚餐，还请了个钟点工人来打扫家里。朋友秀兰天天过来陪我并协助我做运动。眼看一个月快过去了，我心里也开始着急，我还不能自行走路，要上厕所也要喊人，小姑假期也快完了。我明白到日子总要自己继续过，当下之即是先找个好佣人。
于是我开始祈祷赶快找个佣人，帮忙照顾我及小女儿。终于女佣来了，她心肠很好，很疼女儿。我伤心时还会陪我流泪。虽然做工有点慢，但胜在肯学又勤劳，于是放心多了。
学校开学了，女儿换了新的幼儿园，开始新生活，每天下午还随阿姨或外公去他们家做功课。我也开始新的生活，虽然带着泪，但依然坚持在工人的陪同下天天到物理治疗处报到。‘希望明天会更好’成了我最新的口头弹。

在运动的过程中，总会习惯性为自己定下目标，一个月后希望能做这个或那个动作，或至少能增加能力。但在这几个月中进步缓慢。我早上六点半起床就要女佣开始帮忙我做运动，吃了早餐，送了女儿上幼儿园，我又继续努力。下午两点吃了午餐后，父亲或妹妹会送我到物理治疗处继续努力。

I started to learn how to appreciate things. My sister in-law from Pahang is taking care of me these day, my neighbour Xiao Ching helped to prepare our lunch and dinner, I engaged a temporally maid to do our house work. My friend Xiu Lan came to accompany and assist me. One month later, I started to worry; I still unable to walk by myself. I need help whenever I need to go to the toilet. My sister in-laws have to go home. I have to face the fact that I need to figure out how to continue my own life.
I pray that I can get a good maid. My maid (Masni Rositi) managed to reach before my sister in-law went home. She is a kind woman. She took good care of my little girl. She sympathizes my situation and always cry together with me. She was slow but hardworking.
The school started, I changed my daughter to a nearer kindergarten, and she also started her new school life. Everyday after lunch, my sister or my father will take me to the rehab centre, the maid will come along; my daughter will follow her aunty or grandfather. I always hoped that tomorrow will be better.
During the exercises, I will always set a target, hoping that after a certain period I can perform exercise without assistance, or at lease increase my strength. But unfortunately my target can’t be achieved. When the time passes by, I can’t see any improvement. I woke up at 6.30 in the morning and with the help from the maid I will do my exercises. After breakfast, my daughter will go to the kindergarten. I will continue with my limited exercises. At 2 o’clock after lunch, my father or sister will take me to the rehab centre again.
Somehow, the progress is very slow and seems stagnant. This really upset me. Month after month, my baby grows. With the paralyzed left limbs, I felt rather difficult to breath and walk. The physiotherapist told me my walking style is incorrect. I felt hopeless and frustrated. Disappointment rolled like a snow ball. I felt really sad. Each time I met someone I knew, without hesitate, I out burst. I even cried during exercise. I know that I shall not bust out like this and I must change. There are hundreds of people around who struggle to breathe everyday. I told myself life must go on, at least until the delivery.

总之人算不如天算，日子天天过，进步却像不再属于我。我像是在原地踏步，心焦如焚的我开始有点失望，心情非常低落。一个又一个月过去，肚子慢慢大起来了。走起路来虽然勉强可以，但却有些困难，治疗师却老是说姿势不对。心里头的希望越来越小，失望却越滚越大。当时的我是最难过的，逢见相识的人必哭。连做运动时都在掉泪。最后， 自己清楚明白不管怎样都要走出谷底。世上还有很多人每天以微弱的呼吸来维持生命。生命总要延续下去，我告诉自己必须重新调整心情，等生了孩子再说。

注： 三年后的今天我依然打起精神往物理治疗中心走去，只是如今的我换成一星期报到两次，而且是自己驾车去。我不知道这一条路还必须走多久。但一切都已不再重要。我珍惜所拥有的一切，也感谢一路走来每一个曾经直接或间接帮助过我的人。不管所伸出的援助是多么的弱小，它却在我心里留下无数的涟漪。衷心的感谢大家。特别是我亲爱的丈夫及敬爱的爸爸。

p/s: It has been three years now and I still heading the rehab centre without slight decrease in spirit. The only different is the frequency where only twice a week. I already back to work and able to drive an auto-transmission vehicle. I do not know how long this journey is going to be, and now, it is no longer matter me. I appreciated better what I possessed and grateful to those who supported and encouraged me. No matter how small it was, it helps. Thanks to you, and special dedication to my beloved husband and father.

中风记 stroke

两千零五年十一月六日对我来说意义重大，是上天给了我一个重生的机会。

中午两点半，到外用餐后回来正在看电视节目的我突然感到头晕，我正想要进房休息，却再也站不起来，在不到一分钟里健康的我瘫痪了左半身，像是突然失去了左半身，成了一个半死人。当时的我依然神智清晰地向丈夫大喊：“我中风了！快打电话叫救伤车。”当时丈夫想扶起我，但我坚持叫他别动我，因为当时我有孕在身，千万不能跌倒。

在等救伤车的同时，先生用针替我刺破每根手指头，拼命尝试挤出血来，这些都是我们从书上读到的一些中医的常识。当时的我已开始呕吐了。女儿在旁开始不停地哭了，我赶忙安慰她，叫她别哭也别怕。
中风！怎么会是我？我才三十七岁，而且肚子还怀着十六个星期大的孩子和一个可爱的女儿，我不能死！我不能晕！心里很害怕，只能不停地念：阿弥陀佛。在四个大人的帮助下终于上了救伤车。
救伤车的笛声不断在耳边响着，只企求赶快到医院。从山上（金马仑〕到山脚（怡保〕也不知道过了多久，路上吐了好几次，搞到护士全身都是残渣，我不停地向护士道歉。

6th November 2005 was a though day for me. I am given the second chance to live.
2.30 pm, I was watching television after having lunch. Suddenly, I felt dizzy so I planned to have a nap in the room. I realized that I couldn’t stand up. There was numbness in my left side, then a second later I lost my left side, I become half dead. I shouted at my husband telling him that,’I’m having a stroke, call the ambulance,’ He wanted to help me but I told him not to do so because I was pregnant 16 weeks and I didn’t want to fall down. Then I started to vomit.
While waiting for the ambulance, my husband used a needle to pricked my finger tip and tried to squeeze the blood out, which we had learnt through Chinese Medication. My 5 year old daughter was standing beside me and started to cry. I persuaded her not to do so and not to be afraid.
Stroke ? Why me? I’m only 37 years old; I was carrying a 16 week old baby and I have a lovely daughter. I didn’t want to die, I don’t want to faint. I kept praying calling the name of‘Buddha'. With the help of my neighbours, I was carried to the ambulance.
The siren of the ambulance can be heard all along the journey to the hospital. I just hoped that I will manage to reach the hospital. I was vomiting all along the journey. I apologized to the nurse.

人既将死，脑袋里就开始特别活跃，想到女儿刚才害怕的眼神，我知道她一定还在哭。当时的我心想：到了医院就没问题了。

送进医院，见到了丈夫，知道女儿与公公在一起，心里安定了一些。谁知道送进急救室后，照了扫描，脑溢血，医生却说不能做什么，因为我怀孕，除非拿掉肚子里的孩子。这当然不行，孩子已经四个月，只可以关察看第二天脑会不会停止出血。于是这一生中最漫长的一夜开始了。整晚看着不停发出 ‘啤！啤！’ 声的仪器，心情也不停随着它起伏不定，只能不停地祈祷：孩子，你要坚强，与妈妈一起努力奋斗，渡过这一关。

护士不停地劝我一定要睡觉，我想起日本一名博士做的研究’水的力量’，一直向着点滴说话：请求葡萄糖水能告诉我脑里的血停止流，丈夫则不断地念大悲咒水给我喝，整晚进出急救室。我当时根本不敢睡，因为害怕从此不能醒。依稀记得半夜三点过后才迷迷糊糊睡着。

七点四十五分再次准备推我去照扫描。出来后，见到了爸爸，只说了一句：爸爸，我很怕！当时的我，讲话开始有点结巴，家人都赶来了，其实我们才结伴旅行，因我回婆家因此分手不到两天，女儿被妹妹带回去了。

九点半，脑科医生来来看我，他说恭喜我：血已停止，再观察后就可以移出急救室到普通病房。但同时也告诉我脑部破例处被称为动静脉畸型。其实那到底是什么东西？当时的我们听得莫明奇妙。接着医生安排我到妇产科处检查，孩子没事。我被移到另一处的急救室，听说是较稳定的病人，那儿进出的病人较多，那一晚是在邻床的呻吟声中睡着。

第三天，换到普通病房，我虽有资格住头等病房，但也得慢慢等，病人又多又吵，动弹不得，背后像有火在烧，发现政府医院里的护士什么也不会，连基本的移动病人也不会。幸好有先生一直陪伴在旁，帮我翻身。当时的我虽然头非常痛，但是却非常乐观，心里一直相信不久就会好起来。

这几天天天期待医生会带来好消息，却是不停地失望。我的动静脉畸型是天生的。弟弟上网看了些资料，也明白医生不能做什么。动静脉畸型是天生的，而且是个计时炸弹，随时会再次爆发，再次爆发的机率每年增加两巴仙。

我虽然伤心，但是却很快地接受了事实。医生给我吃止痛药及高血压的药，脑溢血就这样没了下文。两天后才成功转到头等病床，物理治疗师终于露面，教了我及丈夫如何从床上到轮椅，如何坐得稳。我只好接受事实，开始从坐学起。从床上翻身掉了下来，护士只好让每天睡在医院走廊的丈夫进来照顾我，让我睡在单人房。十一天后出院，回家第一晚又从床上掉下，幸运地肚子里的儿子没事。从此我的生命改写，与物理治疗结下了不解之缘。

When we are facing death, our mind becomes active, thinking of the loved ones. I knew my daughter was still crying. What ran in my mind was when I reached the hospital I will be fine.
I saw my husband when I reached the hospital, I felt delighted when I knew my daughter was with her grandfather. I had been sent to the ICU, after scanning they told me that my brain was bleeding. The doctor said because I was pregnant there was nothing much they can do unless I was in a serious condition. They had to wait for a night before making any decision. That was the longest night in my life. With the ‘pip.., pip..,’ sound from all the equipment, I was praying the whole night. I told my baby to be brave, to fight together with me, the 'mummy'.
The nurse asked me to have a rest, I thought of a research from a Japanese professor about the power of water. I started to talk to the glucose that hung beside my bed, I pleaded to the glucose to pass a message to my blood vessels to stop bleeding. My husband was praying ‘da pei zou’ for me; he was so worried that he was in and out the ICU that night. I was so afraid that I couldn't woke up if I slept. If I am not mistaken, I felt asleep at 3 am.
At 7.45am, I was sent to do the second scan. After my scan, I met my father; I told him that I was so afraid. That moment I found that I was having a little problem with my speech. My family was there; indeed I went to my mother in-laws house after a trip with them. My daughter went home with my sister.
9.30am, the doctor came and congratulated me saying that the bleeding had stopped. He told me the bleeding parts was called AVM (Arteriovenous Mal-formation). We didn’t know anything about it. After that the gynecologist checked my baby. The baby was alright. I was shifted to another ICU, the nurse told me the patients there were more stabil. There were many patients in and out there; I slept surrounded by the moaning sound from the patients.

On the third day, I was sent to normal medical ward. Even though I was qualified to stay at the A class ward, but I had queue to get into a A class ward. There were so many patients in the normal medical ward. It was so noisy. My back felt burning. The nurse doesn’t know how to move the patient. Luckily my husband was with me all the time, he helped me to turn to the left and right. I had a serious headache but I still thought positively. I was so sure that I will become normal soon.

I was waiting for good news from the doctor all these days, but felt disappointed. The doctor told me that my case was called ArterioVenous Malformation. Its was natural born in me, this part has boomed. The doctor said the chances for it to burst again increase 2 % every year. Since I was pregnant they couldn’t do anything.
My brother looked for some information from the internet. We realized that the doctor cannot do anything much. The doctors gave me some pain killers and high blood pressure medication. Two days later, I was transferred to the A class ward, the physiologist appeared at last. She thought me how to sit up and transferred from the bed to wheel chair. I had to face the fact that my left side was paralyze; I had to start all over again. I learnt how to sit and stand. I fell from the bed that night; the nurse was so worried that they had to let my husband sleep beside me. Eleven days later, I went home. I fell from the bed again that night, luckily my baby was alright. Since then, my life had change. Rehab become parts of my life.

注：一直到今天我终于了解到虽然科技发达，但对人脑的理解依然非常贫乏。万一不幸地中风或脑部受伤，医生只能够通过手术确保脑部不再出血。接下去的一切，就得靠你自己的努力。医生甚至不能告诉你痊愈的机会。他们也没有任何药物让你脑中损伤的部分复原。无人可以帮助你。这与平时我们的习惯，有病就找医生，一点都不相同。幸运的话，脑细胞破坏不多，很快就痊愈；不幸运的话，就有一条漫长的道路等着你。

p/s: I realized that even though our science and technology is advancing every day, but our knowledge about our own brain is so little. If happened that you are having stroke or head injuries, the only thing that the doctor can do is to make sure that your brain stops bleeding, they can not do anything to recover your damage parts. The doctor can not tell you the possibility for you to recover. How are you going to do that depends on you totally? You are totally alone fighting. Sometimes you will feel so lonely and lost. If you think the doctor can help you, you are totally wrong. If you are lucky, your brain cell will not damage, you can cure it in a short time; if not, it is a long way to go.