一公升的眼泪One liter of tears

看着一公升的眼泪的日剧，我的眼泪就一直不听使唤的一直掉。
When I was watching the Japanese drama,’ One liter of tears’, my tears drops without stop.
剧中女主角的遭遇比我还惨。我是在一分钟内失去了左半身，但是在我不停地努力之下，我也慢慢地得回肌肉稍微的感觉及控制权。虽然过程超级慢，但总让人觉得明天是还有希望的。戏剧中的女主角，却是逐渐地失去感觉及控制权，像是在看着自己每一寸肌肉都在逐渐死去。那个过程肯定比起我更加的痛苦及绝望。
The fate of the heroin in this drama was worst than my. I lost my left limbs in a minute, but I can gain it back slowly through constant workout. Even though the process is extremely slow, I knew tomorrow would be better. The heroin in the drama lost her control over her body day by day, inch by inch. It must be much painful and desperate than I.

我非常佩服她坚强并勇敢面对事实的精神。不管戏剧有没有改编，但是当事人整整地奋斗了十年，那股毅力绝对值得我们所有人去学习。她明明知道希望非常渺茫却也从来不放弃，她告诉我们活着是一件美好的事！这不正是大家应该学习的精神吗？她告诉了我一个重要的讯息，只要还活着就要好好珍惜每一天。
I admired her braveness and her spirit. She was tough facing her situation. I don’t bother how they make up the story, but the real heroin fight with her bad luck for ten years, that’s really amazed me. She delivered a strong massage: Just being alive such a lovely and wonderful thing. Her fighting spirit should be a role model. What I learnt from her was we should not give up if you are still alive.
在还未中风之前会觉得说那也不过是一场编出来赚人眼泪的戏剧，现在的我坚信世界上真的有如此不公平的事发生。上网找资料后得知后脑萎缩症至今依然没有药方，这再次证实人类对人脑的认识非常贫乏。人类情愿花数万亿去研究太空外的一切，却对自己的脑袋毫无办法。
Prior stroke, I would say this is only a made up story to earn sympathy. But now I really believe unfair thing did happen around us. There is still no effective cure for spinocerebellar degeneration. This again proven that human still lacks of knowledge in brain related matters. Human spend tons of money to study outer space, but can’t do much thing that happen to our brain.
就像做戏一样，日剧在上演的同时，我从同事口中得知另一个真人真事，一位不认识的同行也得了同样的病症（后脑萎缩症）。同事介绍她给我认识，我尝试帮助她寻找资料。我咨讯物理治疗师如何帮助她，以电话与她联络，告诉了她一些恰当的运动，并鼓励她继续奋斗下去。但她的情况并不乐观，在不到半年光阴里，经以不能行走。半年后，听说最近说话也不能了，住进了疗养院，残渡那剩下来的日子。
Just like a movie, I was told by my colleague that her friend suffered from spinocerebellar degeneration. She introduced me to her through telephone. I try to get more information to help her; I also consulted my therapist about this disease. I explained to her about a few exercises that she could do through telephone. But unfortunately her condition is not good. Within half a year she was unable to walk. And within a year, she couldn’t talk; she was transfer to an old folks centre to pass her remaining live.
在感叹别人不幸的遭遇的同时，又感恩自己的幸运，至少我可以大声告诉别人：我的明天会更好。同时我也希望人类有一天会对脑里的情况更加地了解。
While pity about others’ unlucky situation, I pleased that I am still luckier. At least, I knew my tomorrow would be better. I also hope that one fine day human is able to understand our own brain better.

This is the author of '1 litre of tears'.

我上班了Back to work

在上司的同意后，并在父亲及丈夫的鼓励之下，我勇敢地踏出了第一步，上班去了。那天是零六年十月六日（星期五），老实说当时的情况还不是很稳定。只要出了一点小状况，如人多，就会紧张得无法跨不出那一步，不听使唤的左脚还会突然往外翻。在这样的情况之下，必须劳烦别人替我把脚板踏住，我才有能力踏出下一步继续往前走。

After I got the permission from my superior and encouragement from my father and husband, I made my first step, back to work. That was 6th of October 2006(Friday); actually my walking was not steady at that time. If I met with little disturbance, or even many people surrounding me, my foot will flip, this made me cannot proceed any step further. If this happened, I need other to step on my foot so that I can stand still and adjust the next step forward.

停工整整十个月后，第一天上班带了工人同行，向上司请求说暂时让工人陪伴，上司面露难色，但也只好勉强答应。我走到久别的座位，赶快要求坐在隔壁的同事学习如何在我紧张的时刻帮助我。好心的同事很认真学习。第一天就忙着向久违的同事们打招呼并在闲聊中渡过。那十个月每天就只在家及物理治疗处渡过，除了运动什么也没想。在家每天面对四幅墙壁，看着时钟，觉得时间很难过。在这儿时间过得真快，心情好极了，感觉上也好像好了一大半。

Stop from working for about ten months, the first day I went back to work, I brought along my maid. When I asked for permission to let my maid accompanied me, my boss’s face turned unpleasant. But he agreed with me after listening to my explanations. I walked back to my place and asked my colleague who sat beside me to learn how to help me if I panic. She learnt it seriously. The first day I was busying taking to all my old colleagues. They were concerned about my condition. The last ten months was so difficult for me, beside exercise most of the time I was sitting at home facing the four walls and counting seconds and minutes. Time flies in the office and I felt good on that day as if had recovered and better.

星期一，原本也打算带着工人上班，谁知道照顾孩子的小青竟然入院，就因为这样我被逼自己一个人上班。其实我得感谢她，要不然我还不知道要依赖工人到何时。我也因此知道我可以自己照顾自己。同事们看到我独自上班都有些担心，只要我一站起来就会问我到那儿。我上厕所也要有一人相伴，虽然我告诉他们别担心。但不久后他们都发现我还可以照顾自己，就也放心多了。于是每天早上丈夫送我到工作地点，只是我必须劳烦几个好心的同事每天负责轮流送我回家。

Next Monday, again, I planned to bring along my maid. But I had to change my plan because my baby sitter, Xiao Ching had admitted. I was forced to go to work by myself. Actually I have to thank her; else I didn’t know that I was able to take care of myself and still depend on my maid till now. My colleagues were worried to see me alone. Whenever I stood up, they would ask where I am going. They accompanied me even I went to toilet. I told them not to do so. After a while, they noticed that I could handle myself, they become relief. Since then my husband sent me to work every morning. A few closed colleagues take turn to send me home.

就这样我重新回到了工作的岗位上，生活从此更有意义。在工作场合的我像是复原了大半。同事们都很好，大家都很乐意帮助我这个残缺的人，让我顿时对生活充满信心。自从残缺后，自己已接受了这个事实。所以做事情必须从新估计，不再逞强。在适应时期的确遇到一些难题，但我会在能力范围里尽量把事情做好，由于走的速度比人慢，所以我会早一点出门，早一点做准备功夫。如果真的不能的时候就开口求助，虽然不是次次如愿，但最终总会有办法解决，我发现这个世界依然美丽，好心人依然不少。

Back to work, my life becomes more meaningful. I felt I had recovered and made good progress. Most of my colleagues are kind; they always ready to help me. This made me felt more confidence with my life and this did helps in my rehabilitation. I accepted my disability. I have to preplan my work with my limited movement. I did face some problem during this orientation period, and I tried my best to solve the problem. Due to my slow walking speed, I left home and do the preparation earlier. For those problems beyond my ability, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for helping hands. Even though not always as wished, but there would be a solution. I noticed the world is still beautiful because there are still lots of kind people around you.

后来，知道说物理治疗处的一个同门只用单手驾车，我开始认真考虑学驾车。常送我回家的同事只有两位，两位同事都离我家好远，因为送我他们必须绕一个大圈，必须多花整个小时才到家。再加上其中一位同事怀孕，看到她那么辛苦还要花时间送我，觉得很不好意思。自己也觉得常期要依靠他们终究不是办法，于是鼓起勇气重新学驾车，所以今天的我可以自由上班及到物理治疗处。

The moment I knew a member from the rehab centre used only her right hand to drive, I seriously considered myself driving. Two colleagues that always fetched me home stay far. They had to spend extra hour for this. One of them was expecting; I felt embraces for her help. I braved myself for driving. That is how I started to drive. Now I am free to work and to rehab centre alone.

注：在此要特别感谢两位同事（王女士及章女士），没有他们的帮助我也不能走到今天。他们的帮助我会永远铭记在心里。
P/S: I want to thank my two kind colleagues (Mdm. Ooi and Mdm. Chong), without their helps there won’t be me today. I will always remember their kindness.

感恩Appreciation/ gratitude

因为中风，让我放慢了脚步。也让我开始有时间注意身边的事与物，我有机会学习如何珍惜并感恩。
Because of stroke, I have to slow down. This gave me a chance to observe things that happened around me and learnt how to appreciate.
从小，就知道自己其实很幸福，从小到大没吃过什么苦头。做任何事都没尝试过大挫折。三十七岁之前一切算是顺顺利利，毕业、工作、结婚、生女儿，怀个儿子。我每个星期总会去游泳，偶尔也会跑步。吃的东西尽量少油少盐少糖，少肉多菜，不吃三白，（白米、白糖、白面粉）因为害怕遗传妈妈的糖尿病及高血压。勤劳的时候会自己煮，当然像大家一样，懒惰时会到外用餐。
I was a lucky one since I born. Before I was 37 years old, I seldom face any problem. After graduated I worked, then I got married, gave birth to a beautiful girl and then got pregnant again. I went to swimming every week, sometimes I jog. If I cooked I will use less sugar, less salt, less oil, less meat and more vegetable. I didn’t eat white rice, sugar and flour because I worried that I would inherit my mother’s diabetes and high pressure. Of course some time we went out for dinner.
我总是健健康康的，是个很少生病的人。我没有高血压、糖尿病、高胆固醇。我总会为自己盘算，人生算是照着计划走，谁知道坪天一声响，竟然中风。中风初期医生也怀疑我有高血压，给我高血压的药物。一个月后，经过反复检查及肯定后，就把药物给豁免了。一向来就清楚明白健康的重要，一旦失去的感觉异常难受。
I always was a healthy one, seldom fall sick. I didn’t have high blood pressure, neither diabetes, nor high cholesterol. Life as per always planned. But who knows, stroke came with surprise. The doctor suspected I had high blood pressure; they gave me medication for that. After a month and several times of follow-up, they stopped the medication. All the while, I knew that healthy is the most important thing in life, this unexpected change makes me feel very difficult to accept it.
一向来都是我有机会总是会常常帮助人，没想到现在的我却处处要人帮。开始的时候很难适应，总会因此而难过老半天。过后却又会生自己的气，觉得自己不中用。一个远方的朋友劝我说就当着我给别人一个机会做善事，我们谢谢他的同时，她也有机会积福。于是只好自己赶快改变心态，开始乐意接受别人的帮助。但自己也清楚事事求人帮忙，久了人家也总是会开始有冤言，不是每个人都那么有耐心，人总是会累。人一累就会失去了耐性。有些人虽然也帮助你，但就会习惯碎碎念。他们不知道其实这样会让我的心灵受伤。
I always tried to help others when I could. But now I need help in every moment. I felt really bad each time in the beginning. I started to blame myself, felt useless. Then a friend told me to take it easy, she asked me to think that we are giving a chance for others to perform good things. They will get rewards for their good works. I should stop feeling guilty and this really help to make me feel better. I knew that if I always asked for help, when times pass that person will start to sigh. Not everyone will be patient, a person will feel tire too. When he or she tired, they will lose their patient. I did meet with someone that mumbled while helping you. They did not know that really hurts me.
原本我打算一切都等我完全好了才说，谁知道一天又一天过去，要完全好转的时刻不知有多遥远。当别人不停地问好点了吗？我总是不知道该如何回答。于是我下定决心告诉自己什么事情都尽量重新开始学习，要把以往所懂得的都忘掉，慢慢地在能力的极限里寻找一条新的出路。我也曾经非常生气，但很快地我醒觉到抱怨及生气并不能帮助我，所以我选择了接受。我开始学习感恩，不去留念以往的一切并珍惜现在所拥有的一切。我要继续往前看，前面依然有条路，我不能停在原地，我需要的是改变步伐往前走。
I wanted to start all over again when I gain back all my strength. But when time passes, I couldn’t see any lights from the other side of the tunnel. When others keep on asking did you feel better, I became speechless and depress. I decided to start all over again, need to learned and unlearn. With my limited movement, I need to find something best suit me. I used to angry, but I realized that anger and sigh doesn’t help, so I choose to accept, accept who I am now. I learn to appreciate what I have now. I have to keep looking forward without fear. I have to change my life style and keep going. I promise myself that I won’t stop.
我开始学习穿衣、穿鞋、拿轻便的东西，有时候与其他的病患互相讨论如何照顾自己，更多的时间在自己想办法该如何自救。于是我除了物理治疗里的运动，还有数不完学习，生活变得很充实，时间根本不够用。我也因此开始学习驾起车来。因为设定了一个目标，生活顿时充满意义。因此一个人要选择积极开心地过或消极失望地过，就在病患的一念之间，而其家人的支持尤为重要。病患应该清楚告诉自己别生气，其实真的无人能帮助你重新站起来，只有你自己能帮忙自己。
I learnt how to wear cloth and how to handle light things by myself. I review with other patient on the correct method to take care ourselves. Sometimes I will think how to do things right. So now I was really busy, beside exercise in rehab centre, I had a lot of new things to learn. There was no free time for me. I learnt how to drive. I set goal, and my life became more meaningful. Patient can decide their own life; to live happily or otherwise. Support from the family members is crucial too. The stroke patient has to be cleared: nobody can help them accept themselves. Please don’t be mad with others because you are the only one that should and could help yourself.
我算是相当的幸运，除了家人还有一些好朋友肯帮忙。就佛教的角度来说：我的中风是我的业障，得到那么多的帮助是我的福报。
I think I was a lucky one because besides my family members, I have some friends that willing to help. In Buddha, I had my stroke because of the sin in my passed, but I have so many help is my rewards for the good things I did in this life, I supposed.
注：我所要强调的是病患必须赶紧纠正自己的心态，人总不能一直靠别人，记得小时候老师在纪念册的一句话：靠山山会倒，靠水水会流，凡事都要靠自己。因此不管你身在怎样的状况，记得要努力加油！！
p/s: What I would like to stressed is a patient must made their mind clear, we can not always depend on others. No matter how your condition is, must keep on trying, do not give up easily!

电疗(高能量放射治疗〕SRS

一个月又过去了，我又再次上路，继续我的疗程，只希望这是最后的一次。
After a month, I decided to continue my treatment- the StereotaticRadio Surgery, hoping this will be my last treatment.
入院后，第二天一早，我被推到电疗中心，这儿的病人多是癌症病人。三个护士陪我进入一间手术室。医生在不久后进来了，他告诉我说他们要把一个头罩锁在我的头上，他们过后会再做一次的立体扫描（脑血管造影〕，然后把头罩锁在床上以便固定位置，才帮我电疗（高能量放射治疗〕。预料只须一天观察，过程简单。
The next morning after I admitted, I was pushed to the cancer centre. This time I saw quite number of cancer patient. Three nurses sent me to a surgery room. The doctor came in and told me that they will put a metal frame on my head. The metal frame is crucial to the treatment. It forms the reference datum for accurately identifying the position of the abnormal tissue and for positioning the patient securely during the radiation treatment.
医生解析后就让我坐在一张椅子上，把头罩放在我的头上，开始移动至正确的位置。他叫我放松，不要移动，他要开始上锁了。我的天啊！原本就不太受控制的肌肉开始不听使唤地发起抖来。医生叫我别乱动，但我告诉他说不行，我控制不到，结果要劳烦护士们扶着我并压着头罩才成功把它给锁上。
After doctors’ explanation, he instructed me to seat on a chair. Then he put the metal frame on my head and prepared for its application. He told me to relax and don’t move, he then started to secure the metal frame by tightening the screw. My god, my muscle started to shake uncontrolled. The doctor asked me to sit still but I told him I couldn’t because I couldn’t control the muscle. The nurses had to hold me tight as well as the frame.
这是怎么搞的，平时的我打针抽血，眉毛都没皱一下。上一次手术还放了一枝整十公分的针管进入手臂也不害怕。这一回真的不行，平时看到的医生不是听筒就是针管，这一次却拿了个螺丝钻，往我的头上钻，当然他有用轻微的麻醉针。我仿佛进入科学怪片里，遇见了个神精不正常的科学家想把我变成科学怪人。而我虽然害怕，却又是心干情愿的，心情异常复杂。 戴了头罩后，医生用手摇了摇确定它稳固他们又做了一些测量后又把我送往镭射中心。
I did not know what’s wrong with me. Usually, I am not afraid of any injection or blood sampling. But not this time, the doctors were not with needles but a screw driver to tightening screw on my head, of course with some local anaesthetic applied at the points of contact. It was like a science fiction movie, and a crazy doctor tried to turn me into a monster. I was scared, but willing to continue, kind of confused in mind. The doctor then shakes and tested the frame to make sure it fitted firmly. Measurements are made over the surface of the scalp and I was then sent to imaging center.
立体扫描出来后被送回病房休息，头罩不轻，颈项开始有点累，只好躺着。医生不久后又出现了，他带了个坏消息，之前做的拴塞手术不是很成功，有些部分重新打开，所以我的动静脉畸型虽然稍微缩小，但依然不够小，一次的电疗不能解决，所以需要一些时间讨论后再详细告诉我解决的方案。

After fixing the frame, it is time for an angiogram which provides up-to-date images of the abnormalities to be treated. Then I had been sent back to my ward. After a while, the doctor appeared with a bad news. He told me the embolisation was not successful because some of the clogs had reopened. Although, the doctor told me that my AVM is smaller but it was still not small enough for a single SRS treatment, therefore, they need some time to discuss over it and would inform what the best solution was for me.

于是他就这样走了，我无辜地戴着那不轻的头罩，莫名奇妙地被罚等待，被锁的部位越来越疼，整个头越来越不舒服，颈项累得好像要断掉。四个小时后医生再次出现，替我拆了头罩后，告诉我们说电疗要改成五次，需要五天完成，要我先做个面罩方便他们每天定位。要我回家休息后再来，当天傍晚，我就做了面罩然后回家。

The doctor left after the explanation, what a waste of efforts by putting on a heavy frame and waited for so long. I started to feel the discomfort on my head and neck, especially pain over the screw area. The doctor came after 4 hours and opened the frame, and informed me the SRS procedure has to separate into 5 fractions it spread over 5 days. The nurses would construct a mask over my face for precise positioning during treatment. That evening, after constructed my face mask, we went home.

回家路上我们商量后，决定全家放假，带来暂时住在我的堂姐家，让我每天来回医院电疗。回家后，脸开始肿起来，头罩用了四颗罗丝，头部的四个角肿得像粒鸡蛋。

On the way home to Penang, we discussed and decided that we all would take a week leave and stay at our relative’s house nearby to ease treatment. Back home, my face started to swell. The four screw position swollen as big as an egg.

两天后，带着孩子到堂姐家住，每天中午到医院电疗，护士会为我戴上面罩然后把面罩锁在手术台上，电疗过程只需短短的数分钟。疗程相当轻松，只听到“吱、吱。。。“ 的声音，还配上悦耳的音乐。过程无什么副作用，唯一的副作用大概是掉头发，但那也是一个星期后的事了。医生说疗效要在一年后才会比较明显，所以复诊安排在一年后。

After rest for 2 days, we drove back to KL and stayed at my cousin’s house. For 5 consecutive days, I went to SJMC for treatment. The nurses put on the face mask and secured my head on operation bed. The whole process took about few minute. The procedure is rather simple and less side effect. The only problem would be the hair lost after treatment and it happened after over a week. The doctor informed the effectiveness could only be notice after a year and scheduled the follow-up after that.

人工栓塞手术Embolisation

检查后回家，替儿子庆祝了满月后，我就开始了我的疗程，第一次的人工栓塞手术。医生会从我大腿的静脉把细微的管子塞进直到脑血管内，再把类似浆糊的药物放入该处，然后再重复此步骤，直到周遭的血管都被阻塞为止。
After my check-up, we went home and celebrated our baby’s full moon. After that, I started my first treatment – the Embolisaton. The doctor will insert a tiny hose through venous near my right groin until near to my AVM in my brain, then he will inject some sort of glue into my vane to blocked it. He repeated this to cover the whole AVM.
入院后，第二天中午我又被推进了镭射中心（imaging centre）。这一次麻醉师放了药后我就不醒人事了，不知过了多久，我在迷迷糊糊之中听到一些声音，隐隐约约地听到丈夫告诉我说我在发高烧，叫我多休息。护士来来往往，好像很忙，一会儿替我换点滴，一会儿又抽血。我满脑子都是幻觉，好像有很多人来探望我，但又知道说不可能，因为在紧急护理室里，而且在那么远。我睡睡醒醒，也不知道到底多久。
The next afternoon after I had admitted, they sent me to the imaging centre. After anesthetist’s induction, I was unconscious. I could not remember how long the whole process took. Dizzily, I could hear my husband told me that I was having high fever and asked me to rest. The nurses were so busy; they change the glucose for me and took sample of my blood for analysis. I was experiencing lots of imagination. I could hear voices of those who I knew came and visit me. But I knew that was not true because I was too far from home and I was still in the ICU. I slept and woke up several times, couldn’t know how long I was there.
后来，情况比较稳定后，被推到普通病房时，才惊觉已过了三个晚上。原本这个手术只需两天就可出院，结果却住了大约一个星期。原来这个手术竟然用了六个小时。在手术过程中，医生不小心动到我的脑里的微血管破裂，因此我又被推进去做扫描，然后被送进紧急室观察。我过后高烧不退，胡言乱语，吓坏我的丈夫。幸好两天后终于退烧并清醒过来。原来我又再次与死神擦身而过，很幸运地再次战胜死神。
After my condition became stable, I was send to the normal medical ward. Now only I found out I had been three nights in the ICU. The whole procedure should end about two days, instead I had end up at a week. The embolistion took about six hours. During the operation, doctor had accidentally ruptured my tiny blood vessels in my brain. I had to go through the CT scan and pushed to the ICU for observation. I had high fever, and talked lots of nonsense, my husband was so worried. I was lucky because my body temperature became normal after two days. Again, luckily I won in the battle against death.
医生叫我回家休息后再回来做第二次的栓塞手术。休息了三个星期，我又做了第二次的手术，这次手术顺利，只花了一个半小时，住了两个晚上就愉快地回家了。总算完成了一半的疗程。
The doctor asked me to take a rest at home before I returned to do the second embolisation. After three week, I came back to do the second embolisation. This time, the whole operation took one and a half hours; I stayed two nights and went home happily. I had finished the first half treatment.