一公升的眼泪One liter of tears

看着一公升的眼泪的日剧，我的眼泪就一直不听使唤的一直掉。
When I was watching the Japanese drama,’ One liter of tears’, my tears drops without stop.
剧中女主角的遭遇比我还惨。我是在一分钟内失去了左半身，但是在我不停地努力之下，我也慢慢地得回肌肉稍微的感觉及控制权。虽然过程超级慢，但总让人觉得明天是还有希望的。戏剧中的女主角，却是逐渐地失去感觉及控制权，像是在看着自己每一寸肌肉都在逐渐死去。那个过程肯定比起我更加的痛苦及绝望。
The fate of the heroin in this drama was worst than my. I lost my left limbs in a minute, but I can gain it back slowly through constant workout. Even though the process is extremely slow, I knew tomorrow would be better. The heroin in the drama lost her control over her body day by day, inch by inch. It must be much painful and desperate than I.

我非常佩服她坚强并勇敢面对事实的精神。不管戏剧有没有改编，但是当事人整整地奋斗了十年，那股毅力绝对值得我们所有人去学习。她明明知道希望非常渺茫却也从来不放弃，她告诉我们活着是一件美好的事！这不正是大家应该学习的精神吗？她告诉了我一个重要的讯息，只要还活着就要好好珍惜每一天。
I admired her braveness and her spirit. She was tough facing her situation. I don’t bother how they make up the story, but the real heroin fight with her bad luck for ten years, that’s really amazed me. She delivered a strong massage: Just being alive such a lovely and wonderful thing. Her fighting spirit should be a role model. What I learnt from her was we should not give up if you are still alive.
在还未中风之前会觉得说那也不过是一场编出来赚人眼泪的戏剧，现在的我坚信世界上真的有如此不公平的事发生。上网找资料后得知后脑萎缩症至今依然没有药方，这再次证实人类对人脑的认识非常贫乏。人类情愿花数万亿去研究太空外的一切，却对自己的脑袋毫无办法。
Prior stroke, I would say this is only a made up story to earn sympathy. But now I really believe unfair thing did happen around us. There is still no effective cure for spinocerebellar degeneration. This again proven that human still lacks of knowledge in brain related matters. Human spend tons of money to study outer space, but can’t do much thing that happen to our brain.
就像做戏一样，日剧在上演的同时，我从同事口中得知另一个真人真事，一位不认识的同行也得了同样的病症（后脑萎缩症）。同事介绍她给我认识，我尝试帮助她寻找资料。我咨讯物理治疗师如何帮助她，以电话与她联络，告诉了她一些恰当的运动，并鼓励她继续奋斗下去。但她的情况并不乐观，在不到半年光阴里，经以不能行走。半年后，听说最近说话也不能了，住进了疗养院，残渡那剩下来的日子。
Just like a movie, I was told by my colleague that her friend suffered from spinocerebellar degeneration. She introduced me to her through telephone. I try to get more information to help her; I also consulted my therapist about this disease. I explained to her about a few exercises that she could do through telephone. But unfortunately her condition is not good. Within half a year she was unable to walk. And within a year, she couldn’t talk; she was transfer to an old folks centre to pass her remaining live.
在感叹别人不幸的遭遇的同时，又感恩自己的幸运，至少我可以大声告诉别人：我的明天会更好。同时我也希望人类有一天会对脑里的情况更加地了解。
While pity about others’ unlucky situation, I pleased that I am still luckier. At least, I knew my tomorrow would be better. I also hope that one fine day human is able to understand our own brain better.

This is the author of '1 litre of tears'.

我上班了Back to work

在上司的同意后，并在父亲及丈夫的鼓励之下，我勇敢地踏出了第一步，上班去了。那天是零六年十月六日（星期五），老实说当时的情况还不是很稳定。只要出了一点小状况，如人多，就会紧张得无法跨不出那一步，不听使唤的左脚还会突然往外翻。在这样的情况之下，必须劳烦别人替我把脚板踏住，我才有能力踏出下一步继续往前走。

After I got the permission from my superior and encouragement from my father and husband, I made my first step, back to work. That was 6th of October 2006(Friday); actually my walking was not steady at that time. If I met with little disturbance, or even many people surrounding me, my foot will flip, this made me cannot proceed any step further. If this happened, I need other to step on my foot so that I can stand still and adjust the next step forward.

停工整整十个月后，第一天上班带了工人同行，向上司请求说暂时让工人陪伴，上司面露难色，但也只好勉强答应。我走到久别的座位，赶快要求坐在隔壁的同事学习如何在我紧张的时刻帮助我。好心的同事很认真学习。第一天就忙着向久违的同事们打招呼并在闲聊中渡过。那十个月每天就只在家及物理治疗处渡过，除了运动什么也没想。在家每天面对四幅墙壁，看着时钟，觉得时间很难过。在这儿时间过得真快，心情好极了，感觉上也好像好了一大半。

Stop from working for about ten months, the first day I went back to work, I brought along my maid. When I asked for permission to let my maid accompanied me, my boss’s face turned unpleasant. But he agreed with me after listening to my explanations. I walked back to my place and asked my colleague who sat beside me to learn how to help me if I panic. She learnt it seriously. The first day I was busying taking to all my old colleagues. They were concerned about my condition. The last ten months was so difficult for me, beside exercise most of the time I was sitting at home facing the four walls and counting seconds and minutes. Time flies in the office and I felt good on that day as if had recovered and better.

星期一，原本也打算带着工人上班，谁知道照顾孩子的小青竟然入院，就因为这样我被逼自己一个人上班。其实我得感谢她，要不然我还不知道要依赖工人到何时。我也因此知道我可以自己照顾自己。同事们看到我独自上班都有些担心，只要我一站起来就会问我到那儿。我上厕所也要有一人相伴，虽然我告诉他们别担心。但不久后他们都发现我还可以照顾自己，就也放心多了。于是每天早上丈夫送我到工作地点，只是我必须劳烦几个好心的同事每天负责轮流送我回家。

Next Monday, again, I planned to bring along my maid. But I had to change my plan because my baby sitter, Xiao Ching had admitted. I was forced to go to work by myself. Actually I have to thank her; else I didn’t know that I was able to take care of myself and still depend on my maid till now. My colleagues were worried to see me alone. Whenever I stood up, they would ask where I am going. They accompanied me even I went to toilet. I told them not to do so. After a while, they noticed that I could handle myself, they become relief. Since then my husband sent me to work every morning. A few closed colleagues take turn to send me home.

就这样我重新回到了工作的岗位上，生活从此更有意义。在工作场合的我像是复原了大半。同事们都很好，大家都很乐意帮助我这个残缺的人，让我顿时对生活充满信心。自从残缺后，自己已接受了这个事实。所以做事情必须从新估计，不再逞强。在适应时期的确遇到一些难题，但我会在能力范围里尽量把事情做好，由于走的速度比人慢，所以我会早一点出门，早一点做准备功夫。如果真的不能的时候就开口求助，虽然不是次次如愿，但最终总会有办法解决，我发现这个世界依然美丽，好心人依然不少。

Back to work, my life becomes more meaningful. I felt I had recovered and made good progress. Most of my colleagues are kind; they always ready to help me. This made me felt more confidence with my life and this did helps in my rehabilitation. I accepted my disability. I have to preplan my work with my limited movement. I did face some problem during this orientation period, and I tried my best to solve the problem. Due to my slow walking speed, I left home and do the preparation earlier. For those problems beyond my ability, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for helping hands. Even though not always as wished, but there would be a solution. I noticed the world is still beautiful because there are still lots of kind people around you.

后来，知道说物理治疗处的一个同门只用单手驾车，我开始认真考虑学驾车。常送我回家的同事只有两位，两位同事都离我家好远，因为送我他们必须绕一个大圈，必须多花整个小时才到家。再加上其中一位同事怀孕，看到她那么辛苦还要花时间送我，觉得很不好意思。自己也觉得常期要依靠他们终究不是办法，于是鼓起勇气重新学驾车，所以今天的我可以自由上班及到物理治疗处。

The moment I knew a member from the rehab centre used only her right hand to drive, I seriously considered myself driving. Two colleagues that always fetched me home stay far. They had to spend extra hour for this. One of them was expecting; I felt embraces for her help. I braved myself for driving. That is how I started to drive. Now I am free to work and to rehab centre alone.

注：在此要特别感谢两位同事（王女士及章女士），没有他们的帮助我也不能走到今天。他们的帮助我会永远铭记在心里。
P/S: I want to thank my two kind colleagues (Mdm. Ooi and Mdm. Chong), without their helps there won’t be me today. I will always remember their kindness.

感恩Appreciation/ gratitude

因为中风，让我放慢了脚步。也让我开始有时间注意身边的事与物，我有机会学习如何珍惜并感恩。
Because of stroke, I have to slow down. This gave me a chance to observe things that happened around me and learnt how to appreciate.
从小，就知道自己其实很幸福，从小到大没吃过什么苦头。做任何事都没尝试过大挫折。三十七岁之前一切算是顺顺利利，毕业、工作、结婚、生女儿，怀个儿子。我每个星期总会去游泳，偶尔也会跑步。吃的东西尽量少油少盐少糖，少肉多菜，不吃三白，（白米、白糖、白面粉）因为害怕遗传妈妈的糖尿病及高血压。勤劳的时候会自己煮，当然像大家一样，懒惰时会到外用餐。
I was a lucky one since I born. Before I was 37 years old, I seldom face any problem. After graduated I worked, then I got married, gave birth to a beautiful girl and then got pregnant again. I went to swimming every week, sometimes I jog. If I cooked I will use less sugar, less salt, less oil, less meat and more vegetable. I didn’t eat white rice, sugar and flour because I worried that I would inherit my mother’s diabetes and high pressure. Of course some time we went out for dinner.
我总是健健康康的，是个很少生病的人。我没有高血压、糖尿病、高胆固醇。我总会为自己盘算，人生算是照着计划走，谁知道坪天一声响，竟然中风。中风初期医生也怀疑我有高血压，给我高血压的药物。一个月后，经过反复检查及肯定后，就把药物给豁免了。一向来就清楚明白健康的重要，一旦失去的感觉异常难受。
I always was a healthy one, seldom fall sick. I didn’t have high blood pressure, neither diabetes, nor high cholesterol. Life as per always planned. But who knows, stroke came with surprise. The doctor suspected I had high blood pressure; they gave me medication for that. After a month and several times of follow-up, they stopped the medication. All the while, I knew that healthy is the most important thing in life, this unexpected change makes me feel very difficult to accept it.
一向来都是我有机会总是会常常帮助人，没想到现在的我却处处要人帮。开始的时候很难适应，总会因此而难过老半天。过后却又会生自己的气，觉得自己不中用。一个远方的朋友劝我说就当着我给别人一个机会做善事，我们谢谢他的同时，她也有机会积福。于是只好自己赶快改变心态，开始乐意接受别人的帮助。但自己也清楚事事求人帮忙，久了人家也总是会开始有冤言，不是每个人都那么有耐心，人总是会累。人一累就会失去了耐性。有些人虽然也帮助你，但就会习惯碎碎念。他们不知道其实这样会让我的心灵受伤。
I always tried to help others when I could. But now I need help in every moment. I felt really bad each time in the beginning. I started to blame myself, felt useless. Then a friend told me to take it easy, she asked me to think that we are giving a chance for others to perform good things. They will get rewards for their good works. I should stop feeling guilty and this really help to make me feel better. I knew that if I always asked for help, when times pass that person will start to sigh. Not everyone will be patient, a person will feel tire too. When he or she tired, they will lose their patient. I did meet with someone that mumbled while helping you. They did not know that really hurts me.
原本我打算一切都等我完全好了才说，谁知道一天又一天过去，要完全好转的时刻不知有多遥远。当别人不停地问好点了吗？我总是不知道该如何回答。于是我下定决心告诉自己什么事情都尽量重新开始学习，要把以往所懂得的都忘掉，慢慢地在能力的极限里寻找一条新的出路。我也曾经非常生气，但很快地我醒觉到抱怨及生气并不能帮助我，所以我选择了接受。我开始学习感恩，不去留念以往的一切并珍惜现在所拥有的一切。我要继续往前看，前面依然有条路，我不能停在原地，我需要的是改变步伐往前走。
I wanted to start all over again when I gain back all my strength. But when time passes, I couldn’t see any lights from the other side of the tunnel. When others keep on asking did you feel better, I became speechless and depress. I decided to start all over again, need to learned and unlearn. With my limited movement, I need to find something best suit me. I used to angry, but I realized that anger and sigh doesn’t help, so I choose to accept, accept who I am now. I learn to appreciate what I have now. I have to keep looking forward without fear. I have to change my life style and keep going. I promise myself that I won’t stop.
我开始学习穿衣、穿鞋、拿轻便的东西，有时候与其他的病患互相讨论如何照顾自己，更多的时间在自己想办法该如何自救。于是我除了物理治疗里的运动，还有数不完学习，生活变得很充实，时间根本不够用。我也因此开始学习驾起车来。因为设定了一个目标，生活顿时充满意义。因此一个人要选择积极开心地过或消极失望地过，就在病患的一念之间，而其家人的支持尤为重要。病患应该清楚告诉自己别生气，其实真的无人能帮助你重新站起来，只有你自己能帮忙自己。
I learnt how to wear cloth and how to handle light things by myself. I review with other patient on the correct method to take care ourselves. Sometimes I will think how to do things right. So now I was really busy, beside exercise in rehab centre, I had a lot of new things to learn. There was no free time for me. I learnt how to drive. I set goal, and my life became more meaningful. Patient can decide their own life; to live happily or otherwise. Support from the family members is crucial too. The stroke patient has to be cleared: nobody can help them accept themselves. Please don’t be mad with others because you are the only one that should and could help yourself.
我算是相当的幸运，除了家人还有一些好朋友肯帮忙。就佛教的角度来说：我的中风是我的业障，得到那么多的帮助是我的福报。
I think I was a lucky one because besides my family members, I have some friends that willing to help. In Buddha, I had my stroke because of the sin in my passed, but I have so many help is my rewards for the good things I did in this life, I supposed.
注：我所要强调的是病患必须赶紧纠正自己的心态，人总不能一直靠别人，记得小时候老师在纪念册的一句话：靠山山会倒，靠水水会流，凡事都要靠自己。因此不管你身在怎样的状况，记得要努力加油！！
p/s: What I would like to stressed is a patient must made their mind clear, we can not always depend on others. No matter how your condition is, must keep on trying, do not give up easily!

电疗(高能量放射治疗〕SRS

一个月又过去了，我又再次上路，继续我的疗程，只希望这是最后的一次。
After a month, I decided to continue my treatment- the StereotaticRadio Surgery, hoping this will be my last treatment.
入院后，第二天一早，我被推到电疗中心，这儿的病人多是癌症病人。三个护士陪我进入一间手术室。医生在不久后进来了，他告诉我说他们要把一个头罩锁在我的头上，他们过后会再做一次的立体扫描（脑血管造影〕，然后把头罩锁在床上以便固定位置，才帮我电疗（高能量放射治疗〕。预料只须一天观察，过程简单。
The next morning after I admitted, I was pushed to the cancer centre. This time I saw quite number of cancer patient. Three nurses sent me to a surgery room. The doctor came in and told me that they will put a metal frame on my head. The metal frame is crucial to the treatment. It forms the reference datum for accurately identifying the position of the abnormal tissue and for positioning the patient securely during the radiation treatment.
医生解析后就让我坐在一张椅子上，把头罩放在我的头上，开始移动至正确的位置。他叫我放松，不要移动，他要开始上锁了。我的天啊！原本就不太受控制的肌肉开始不听使唤地发起抖来。医生叫我别乱动，但我告诉他说不行，我控制不到，结果要劳烦护士们扶着我并压着头罩才成功把它给锁上。
After doctors’ explanation, he instructed me to seat on a chair. Then he put the metal frame on my head and prepared for its application. He told me to relax and don’t move, he then started to secure the metal frame by tightening the screw. My god, my muscle started to shake uncontrolled. The doctor asked me to sit still but I told him I couldn’t because I couldn’t control the muscle. The nurses had to hold me tight as well as the frame.
这是怎么搞的，平时的我打针抽血，眉毛都没皱一下。上一次手术还放了一枝整十公分的针管进入手臂也不害怕。这一回真的不行，平时看到的医生不是听筒就是针管，这一次却拿了个螺丝钻，往我的头上钻，当然他有用轻微的麻醉针。我仿佛进入科学怪片里，遇见了个神精不正常的科学家想把我变成科学怪人。而我虽然害怕，却又是心干情愿的，心情异常复杂。 戴了头罩后，医生用手摇了摇确定它稳固他们又做了一些测量后又把我送往镭射中心。
I did not know what’s wrong with me. Usually, I am not afraid of any injection or blood sampling. But not this time, the doctors were not with needles but a screw driver to tightening screw on my head, of course with some local anaesthetic applied at the points of contact. It was like a science fiction movie, and a crazy doctor tried to turn me into a monster. I was scared, but willing to continue, kind of confused in mind. The doctor then shakes and tested the frame to make sure it fitted firmly. Measurements are made over the surface of the scalp and I was then sent to imaging center.
立体扫描出来后被送回病房休息，头罩不轻，颈项开始有点累，只好躺着。医生不久后又出现了，他带了个坏消息，之前做的拴塞手术不是很成功，有些部分重新打开，所以我的动静脉畸型虽然稍微缩小，但依然不够小，一次的电疗不能解决，所以需要一些时间讨论后再详细告诉我解决的方案。

After fixing the frame, it is time for an angiogram which provides up-to-date images of the abnormalities to be treated. Then I had been sent back to my ward. After a while, the doctor appeared with a bad news. He told me the embolisation was not successful because some of the clogs had reopened. Although, the doctor told me that my AVM is smaller but it was still not small enough for a single SRS treatment, therefore, they need some time to discuss over it and would inform what the best solution was for me.

于是他就这样走了，我无辜地戴着那不轻的头罩，莫名奇妙地被罚等待，被锁的部位越来越疼，整个头越来越不舒服，颈项累得好像要断掉。四个小时后医生再次出现，替我拆了头罩后，告诉我们说电疗要改成五次，需要五天完成，要我先做个面罩方便他们每天定位。要我回家休息后再来，当天傍晚，我就做了面罩然后回家。

The doctor left after the explanation, what a waste of efforts by putting on a heavy frame and waited for so long. I started to feel the discomfort on my head and neck, especially pain over the screw area. The doctor came after 4 hours and opened the frame, and informed me the SRS procedure has to separate into 5 fractions it spread over 5 days. The nurses would construct a mask over my face for precise positioning during treatment. That evening, after constructed my face mask, we went home.

回家路上我们商量后，决定全家放假，带来暂时住在我的堂姐家，让我每天来回医院电疗。回家后，脸开始肿起来，头罩用了四颗罗丝，头部的四个角肿得像粒鸡蛋。

On the way home to Penang, we discussed and decided that we all would take a week leave and stay at our relative’s house nearby to ease treatment. Back home, my face started to swell. The four screw position swollen as big as an egg.

两天后，带着孩子到堂姐家住，每天中午到医院电疗，护士会为我戴上面罩然后把面罩锁在手术台上，电疗过程只需短短的数分钟。疗程相当轻松，只听到“吱、吱。。。“ 的声音，还配上悦耳的音乐。过程无什么副作用，唯一的副作用大概是掉头发，但那也是一个星期后的事了。医生说疗效要在一年后才会比较明显，所以复诊安排在一年后。

After rest for 2 days, we drove back to KL and stayed at my cousin’s house. For 5 consecutive days, I went to SJMC for treatment. The nurses put on the face mask and secured my head on operation bed. The whole process took about few minute. The procedure is rather simple and less side effect. The only problem would be the hair lost after treatment and it happened after over a week. The doctor informed the effectiveness could only be notice after a year and scheduled the follow-up after that.

人工栓塞手术Embolisation

检查后回家，替儿子庆祝了满月后，我就开始了我的疗程，第一次的人工栓塞手术。医生会从我大腿的静脉把细微的管子塞进直到脑血管内，再把类似浆糊的药物放入该处，然后再重复此步骤，直到周遭的血管都被阻塞为止。
After my check-up, we went home and celebrated our baby’s full moon. After that, I started my first treatment – the Embolisaton. The doctor will insert a tiny hose through venous near my right groin until near to my AVM in my brain, then he will inject some sort of glue into my vane to blocked it. He repeated this to cover the whole AVM.
入院后，第二天中午我又被推进了镭射中心（imaging centre）。这一次麻醉师放了药后我就不醒人事了，不知过了多久，我在迷迷糊糊之中听到一些声音，隐隐约约地听到丈夫告诉我说我在发高烧，叫我多休息。护士来来往往，好像很忙，一会儿替我换点滴，一会儿又抽血。我满脑子都是幻觉，好像有很多人来探望我，但又知道说不可能，因为在紧急护理室里，而且在那么远。我睡睡醒醒，也不知道到底多久。
The next afternoon after I had admitted, they sent me to the imaging centre. After anesthetist’s induction, I was unconscious. I could not remember how long the whole process took. Dizzily, I could hear my husband told me that I was having high fever and asked me to rest. The nurses were so busy; they change the glucose for me and took sample of my blood for analysis. I was experiencing lots of imagination. I could hear voices of those who I knew came and visit me. But I knew that was not true because I was too far from home and I was still in the ICU. I slept and woke up several times, couldn’t know how long I was there.
后来，情况比较稳定后，被推到普通病房时，才惊觉已过了三个晚上。原本这个手术只需两天就可出院，结果却住了大约一个星期。原来这个手术竟然用了六个小时。在手术过程中，医生不小心动到我的脑里的微血管破裂，因此我又被推进去做扫描，然后被送进紧急室观察。我过后高烧不退，胡言乱语，吓坏我的丈夫。幸好两天后终于退烧并清醒过来。原来我又再次与死神擦身而过，很幸运地再次战胜死神。
After my condition became stable, I was send to the normal medical ward. Now only I found out I had been three nights in the ICU. The whole procedure should end about two days, instead I had end up at a week. The embolistion took about six hours. During the operation, doctor had accidentally ruptured my tiny blood vessels in my brain. I had to go through the CT scan and pushed to the ICU for observation. I had high fever, and talked lots of nonsense, my husband was so worried. I was lucky because my body temperature became normal after two days. Again, luckily I won in the battle against death.
医生叫我回家休息后再回来做第二次的栓塞手术。休息了三个星期，我又做了第二次的手术，这次手术顺利，只花了一个半小时，住了两个晚上就愉快地回家了。总算完成了一半的疗程。
The doctor asked me to take a rest at home before I returned to do the second embolisation. After three week, I came back to do the second embolisation. This time, the whole operation took one and a half hours; I stayed two nights and went home happily. I had finished the first half treatment.

全家福 My family member

这是我的第一张全家福，摄于儿子出世后三个星期。当时的我非常心急想要知道脑里真正的状况。于是拍了这第一张全家福后，就赶到吉隆坡去做检查。心里当时在想：就算是万一出了什么状况，也让孩子们有个记念。离开的时候感觉像是生离死别，因对未来充满着问号。
This is my first family photo taken during my son reached three weeks old. I was so concerned about what was happening in my brain. Before I decided to go to Kuala Lumpur for the further checkup, I took this picture. I was thinking that my children will have at least something to memorize if something unexpected happened to me on this trip. It was hard for me, knowing the risk involving in brain surgery and I might not come back a live to meet them again.
两个孩子由家婆暂时照顾，我带着工人和丈夫到中央医院去做检查。这是因为在这之前的扫描并不能够看清楚我的动静脉异形正确的位置及状况，因此必须做另一种立体扫描（脑血管造影〕（Angiogram）, 我到吉隆坡中央医院排队等见脑科医生，医生只与我谈了大约三分钟就告诉我说我的情况不急，但要记得控制情绪，叫我回家等一个月后才安排我照立体扫描。我大老远从槟城赶来就那么几句话。我的确非常失望，我已经等了好久，整整五个月，对脑里的真正的情况依然一无所之。
My mother in-law was taking care of my two children. I went to general hospital in Kuala Lumpur with my husband and maid. The scan before this cannot precisely shown how large and where is my AVM (ArterioVenous Malformation) located. For this, I have to perform Angiogram. Waited for so long in a queue, the brain specialist in the general hospital only talked to me about 3 minutes and she told me that my case is NOT urgent but just need to control my emission. Asked me to go home and wait for a month before I can do my angiogram, or else we have to go for private specialist. I was so disappointed after I had waited for nearly five months; went all the way to Kuala Lumpur and know nothing about my condition.
我和丈夫商量后决定到梳邦再也医院再做第二次的资讯。脑科医生看起来经验丰富，他说动静脉异形的确少见，但叫我不用太担心，他说遇过有些幸运的人活到七十多岁到死都没发作。他也劝告我说别太担心，要我像往常一样过我的生活。因为他也说我的脑血管破裂是因为它失去了弹性，而不是因为我的情绪的波动。他安排我马上入院做立体扫描（脑血管造影）（Angiogram），过后再讨论该如何做。
After discussed with my husband, we decided to go for a second opinion at Subang Jaya Medical Centre. The doctor seems more experience, he told me that AVM is rare but not too worry about it. Some patients survived after AVM without second rapture. He advised me to continue my life as usual because the rapture of blood vane was due to elasticity deterioration, and it was not my emotion. He asked me to admit so that he could performed angiogram the next day. After that, they would advise us what the next move was.
当天我就入院，第二天早上做立体扫描（脑血管造影）（Angiogram）。第二天一早，我被推进医院里的镭射中心(imaging centre)，医生给了我麻醉针，我沉入半昏迷状况，依稀听到一些声音及有一些感觉，我感觉到医生把一个管子从大腿的静脉进入身体，到达我的颈部时，他叫我别动，他要把药水（染色体）放进去了，我感觉一股热流往脑里冲，迷迷糊糊之中，也不知道过了多久，我被推出来，然后被推入病房休息。后来丈夫告诉我过程大约一个小时。做了扫描，医生说要躺着八个小时别动，不然动脉会再次破裂，必须多做一个手术，把坏死细胞刮掉然后缝针。就这样乖乖的躺了八个小时。
The next morning, they sent me to the imaging centre. After anesthetist’s induction, I was half conscious. The doctor inserted a tiny hose through venous near my right groin. I could feel the hose moved in my blood vane right up to my neck. The doctor then instructs to stay still and he injected dyestuffs. I could feel a stream of warm liquid filled up my brain. Dizzily, I could not remember how long the whole process took. After the angiogram, I have to stay in bad for 8 hours to avoid bleeding from the opening.
当天晚上，两位医生来看我，他们说我的动静脉的直经很大，因此有两个不同的方法解决，一个方法无需开刀称为intervention surgery，但由于直经有十三公分，应该要分成三个不同的程序。首两个程序要把周遭的血管阻塞，称为”Embolisation”，让范围缩小后才能做最后的程序－电疗(SRS)，让整个动静脉干枯，让血液不再往这儿通过。但也许须不只三次的程序，费用是相当的大。
另一个选择就是动脑部的手术，最直接最快也最便宜，但医生说那个部分相当深，一样的成功率也不知道有多大。我只记得当时泪流满脸，我也记得医生劝我说：你应该高兴现在我们有办法解决，如果是五年前，我们只可以告诉你无能为力。

That night, two specialists came and informed me that the diameter of AVM is large, and proposed 2 solutions. The first solution is called intervention surgery; but due to large AVM (13 cm), the whole operation has to slit into three times. The first two were to clog the surrounding blood vessels through “Embolization” to reduce the size and followed by Stereotactic Radio Surgery(x-knife). This would shrink the AVM to prevent blood flow in it. Depending on the response, the process might need more 3 times and the cost is huge.
The second solution was the normal brain operation, straight forward and the cheapest. But the doctor informed that the AVM was situated deep in the centre of the brain and higher risk. I was crying hopelessly. The doctor continues by saying that I should be happy because they have solution for me.
如果你曾经到脑科病楼走走，你会发现那儿的情况非常恐怖，特别是政府医院，你会见到好多手术后依然不能清醒的病人并排躺着，护士在一个一个的拍、在摇、在呼唤他的名字。我住过因此印象深刻，况且现在邻床也正躺着一个，今早我也听见护士帮他抹身后在呼唤他，所以我说什么都不想开刀。人家说：不怕一万，只怕万一。
从躺着到如今能慢慢地踏步，得来可一点都不容易，怎样都不想去赌这一场，如果我又因开刀而唤不醒，不是比现在还不如。孩子还小，说什么我都不能冒险开刀。最感动地是听到丈夫对我说：钱不是问题，只要你安全。弟弟及爸爸也至电说：钱不用紧，他们可以解决。因此决定要选择无须开刀的方法。

If you ever have chance to visit neurosurgery ward, you will notice a horrible situation, especially the general hospital. You will see rows of coma patients after the operation. The nurse move around. They were shaking the patient hand or body and calling patients’ name. I have been admitted to similar ward and it terrified me. The patient next to me has put into coma after operation. I am not going to take the risk with normal operation. As Chinese phrase quote: “not afraid of 10,000 cases but just in case”
Since my left side paralyzed till now, I am able to walk slowly; it is not easy at all, I am not going to gamble my life. It is worst coma than able to walk even slowly. My children still young and I can not risk myself for operation. The most heart warming was my husband’s support in my safety and not the monetary. My brother and father also conveyed the same massage. I had decided not to operate through the conventional operation method.
我要这一张照片成为第一张而不是最后一张。我告诉了医生我的意愿，医生就告诉我们说费用很高，劝我们转到政府医院，因为该医生有在那儿当顾问，可以让他的学生帮我做。他叫我好好考虑清楚。回家先商量再告诉他，因为他们不能马上替我做。他们要我们考虑清楚，然后他们再做安排。就这样我结束了这一次的医院之旅，开始期待下一次到医院的旅程。
I wanted this photo to be the first but not the last one. I told doctor my wish and the doctor advised me to try at university hospital being reason of the operation cost is high, and he is the consultant surgeon in that hospital but his student will perform the intervention. He asked me to back home and discuss over it then inform him what our decision was. I end my first journey and look forwards to the next trip.

这是过后无数次的全家福，我庆幸依然活着。 These were photoes taken after the operation. I am please that I can still take photograph with my family members.

一步一脚印 A single step a single trace

每天大家都在走路，可有尝试放慢脚步，感受一下走路的感觉。从前的我从没尝试过，每天只会匆匆忙忙往前走。唯一做的只是到达目的地后，让可怜的双脚休息一下。我不单对自己要求快，连带要求在旁的人也像我一样快。

We walk each day, have you ever slow down to notice how our limbs and body move with our steps? I never did till I stroked. We were too busy, chasing time. We might only let our poor legs to take a rest after each journey. I used to walk fast; I even wanted the guys beside me to walk fast.
中风后，从零开始，重新学习走路。现在才真的了解走路一点都不容易。原来人类小时候要勇敢地跨出那第一步，需要无比的勇气及不断地鼓励，只是当时的我们，不会把感觉说出来。而且那刹那间的记忆，随着接下来无数的学习，而渐渐被淡忘。
在物理治疗处在三个人的扶持下我重新跨出了第一步后，对于走路的体验，可以说是日日新。那一天过后，回家后我都坚持尽量自己走路。当时的我可说用那一只无力的脚为支撑点，右脚快步地跨过去，整个人都倾向右边。由于怀孕，大家对我都非常苛护，想要站起来就得喊人护着我，大家都害怕我会跌倒。
After I had stroked, I have to start and learn to walk like a new born baby. I realized that walking is not just that simple. When we were young, to make the first step, it needs lots of courage and strength. It was only that we were too young to express it. Those flash moments of memory have slowly been replaced by subsequent learning and vanish without notice.
With help of three rehab assistances, I made my first step. I gained new experience each time I walk. Back home, I insisted to walk while still able to. I used the weak left leg as a support and right leg to step fast. My whole body had shifted to right. Due to pregnancy, family members were extremely caution, worried that I might fall.

我非常记得当时每一次坐下或躺下站起来时，就又好像要重新开始学习，尤其是每天早上起来的那一刻。左边不太受控制，走路时要非常的专心。所以要不停地提醒自己：脚扳放好，膝盖要直，屁股向前移，身体随着往前轻微移动，右边接着向前踏步。其实应该比小时候更容易，因为右边已经不必再学，可是长大后的我们已经明白并尝试过跌倒的痛楚、理解到别人眼光背后的问号，学走路时会因为身体的不平衡而感到非常的困难。只好边走边说，不断提醒自己往前走。只要稍微失神，就会停顿在当处，不会走路了。

I have to start all over again each time before I started to move after resting; especially, each morning after I woke up. I have to concentrate because my left limbs still very weak. Each time, I repeated the sequences thought: secure and full up step, straight up knee, push buttock, move shoulder and body slowly forward followed by right limbs. Theoretically, it should sound easier than before because I already have the other half which is working perfectly. But after I had grown up, I knew my past experience and the pain after each fall; I also understood the reason behind each stare. With all these concern in mind, I found difficult to balance my body. What I have to do is to remind myself each movement that I have to do to make me step forward. Once I out of focus, I will stood there and can not proceed any further.
生孩子之前，我只被允许在家里走动；我每天早上就在家里不停转圈，自己计算时间。最多也只是在停车位晒晒太阳。生孩子之后，我就开始到屋外马路学走。踏出屋外，空淌淌地，了无一物，没有安全感因为无处可靠或扶。穿上鞋子走路的感觉又完全不同，现在明白到原来穿上鞋子也需借助脚趾的力量，因此为了要找上适合的鞋子也费了一番功夫。
那时的我，每走一步，就要人帮我把脚趾扳平。再加上脚还会往外翻，还要工人稍微踩踏脚板。工人陪我在屋外走动，一段短短的路程（来回大约100公尺），我要用一个小时才走完。我总是乘女儿还未上幼儿园之前（六点）起来走路。慢慢地，我增加至来回200 公尺，用大越两个小时。当时的我简直就是一寸一寸往前进。途中如果有人要与我打招呼或有车从车房要往后退，我就得在原地站住。所以如果你看到中风的人在用心走路时，不要说他骄傲, 因稍微分心他就完全不会走了。

Before I delivered, I only allowed to move inside my house. I will start to walk in a circle in my dining room, counting cycle time. After delivered, I started to walk on the road. It was totally deferent when you walked on the road. There was nothing that you can hold on. Walk with the shoe on is another difficult job. Now only I realized that we need the strength from our toes to carry our shoe. For this, I have spent quite some times looking for a shoe which suit me best.
I need someone to correct my toe each step. My foot will also flip and need other to step on my foot. I took about one hour to finish 100 meter. I will start walking at 6.00am before my daughter went to kindergarten. After quite some time, I increase the distance to 200 meter and it took around 2 hours to finish. I could only move inch by inch. In between, I can not move if neighbours greet me or someone reversing car out of porch. If you bounce into a walking stroke patient, don’t disturb. Once he or she out of focus, they will stand there and can not proceed any further.

看着儿子从零开始学习，从软棉棉地躺着到慢慢站起来，现在的他会跑也会跳。从客厅到饭厅，偶尔他也会牵着我，还会迁就着我的步伐，缓慢地前进。路上见到拿着拐杖的人，他会指着那人对我说：妈妈，一样的！
今天的我把走路念念有词的习惯改成念经，我已经可以边走路边与人打招呼，速度加快了四倍，但与常人相比依然是慢。不怕慢只怕站，千里之行始于足下，我常鼓励自己一步一脚印慢慢往前进，虽然比较慢，但我总会到达目的地.

Observing my little son day by day, he started to learn how to stand. Now he can run and jump. Some time he holds my hand and walk together in my speed from our dining room to living room. Whenever he saw someone walk slow, he will point out and says,” Mummy, same, same!”
Now I change my walking habit from repeating the walking instruction to pray. I can chat while walking. Even I had increased my speed but still slow compare to others. ‘Step forward don’t just stand there’,’thoundsand miles start from a step’, that is how I encourage myself to step forward. Even though I am slow, some day some how I will reach my destiny.

我的孩子-持恒 My little baby - Chi Hen

中风后，去见了原本看的妇产科医生。医生说已经怀孕快五个月了，如果把他拿掉的危险性与生出一样大。他劝我耐心等待，足月后帮我剥腹生产。其实心里从来没想过不要这个娃娃，只是心里老是盘算着何时可以把他生出来，让我专心医病。肚子开始大起来，医生告诉我他已经资讯了英国的几位资深医生。我的生产过程不会疼痛，他也给了我一个生产的日期－三月七日，比原定日期四月十六日早了整个半月。心总算定下来，算是解决了一件事。

After I had my stroke, I went to check up at the usual gynecologists. The doctor told me the baby is nearly 5 months. The risk for me to delivery or to have an abortion is the same. He persuades me to be patient, after 34 weeks he would arranged the caesarian for me. Actually I never thought of that idea. The only thing that concerned me was when I could deliver and concentrate in my treatment of AVM. After 33 weeks, the doctor told me that he already consulted a few senior specialists from England, the caesarian process won't hurt (I will face a high risk of massive stroke due to labour pain). The doctor told me to come back at 7th of Mac 2006(due date). Then I felt relief and looking forwards to it.

三月三日，星期五，我像往常一样到物理治疗中心做运动。回家后进厕所一看，来红了，心开始紧张，幸好爸爸还在，马上载我到医院。医生来检查我后，告诉我明天早上可以剥腹生产了。
三月四日，一大早，我就冲凉准备进手术室了，全家人都来了，开始为我祈祷。九点半，麻醉师从脊椎骨放药进我的身体，下半身没有感觉，弹动不得。对别人来说也许没什么，但我异常紧张，因为我左半身就已经长期麻痹，又失去右边脚的感觉，非常害怕。

麻醉师不停与我说话，左手已经不受控制不停发抖，他把我的手梆了起来。妇产科医生开始帮我开刀拿出孩子，只听到像吸尘机的声音。儿科医生在旁接过孩子并拿给我看。医生说我必须在紧急室渡过一晚，他们会给我麻醉药直到明天。

在紧急室里，丈夫告诉我说孩子一切正常，重二点七公斤，只是肺部感染，须住在保育箱关察。
第二天，我转到普通病房，住了两晚，儿子也在那保育箱里住了两天，因躺了两晚脚跟太紧，走路不稳，进去见他还要做轮椅，终于他也平安转到普通婴儿室。我不敢抱他，因为另一只手无力抓紧他，怕他跌倒。

3rd March 2006, Friday, I went to the toilet after returned from rehab center and I started to bleed. I became nervous and luckily my father was around. Without any delay he brought me to hospital. After inspection, the gynaecologist informed that I could deliver through caesarian operation by tomorrow.

4th March, Morning, I bathe and prepared my self to the operation theater. All family members came and pray for me. 9.30am, after the anaesthetist induced medicine into my spinal cord, my lower limbs paralyzed. These feeling might not be a big issue to others, but it does for me. I had already lost movement on left limbs and now on the right half, I was really afraid.
The anaesthetist kept talking to me, and my left arm started to shake out of controlled. He has no choice but to tie up my hand. The gynaecologist begins to open up and took out my baby. The only surrounding sound was the vacuum machine. He handed over my baby to a child specialist and she showed him to me and later she informed that I have to spend a night in ICU with given anaesthetics for further observation.

In the ICU, my husband told me that the baby was alright. He weighted 2.7kg. His lungs had infection so he had to stay two nights in the incubator. I slept two nights in the bed without moving, I can’t walk. I went to see my baby on the wheel chair. I didn’t dare to hold my baby because my left hand was weak.

丈夫替孩子取名为持恒，他说要时时提醒我，持之有恒，决不放弃，并坚持到底。幸好孩子没事，健康成长，奇迹并没有因为生了孩子而发生，我依然得到物理治疗处继续努力。

My husband named the baby boy Chi Hen. ‘Chi Hen’ in Chinese means “persistence”. His intention was to remind the child that his mother had great sacrifices to give him a chance to live. I discharged but his stayed a week due to jaundice. Sadly, miracle did not happen. After the delivery, except a lighter body, I continue my journey to rehab center for work out.

My mother 我的母亲

母亲姓冯名玉琼。孩子全长大后，都到北马一带发展。弟弟也买了一间双层半独立式，爸爸退休后，我们就一直邀两老来一块儿住，不必两人来回老家及这儿。其实这儿也是我父亲的家乡。
谁知道才搬来不到一年，妈妈就跌倒了，伤了盘骨。行动时会很痛，从此意志消沉。原本每天总会啐啐念，但慢慢被叹息声取代，笑容从她的脸上消失，嘴角也向下弯了。只是爱躲在房里睡觉。有人来探望，她也不理不睬。物理治疗也不肯做，连上厕所都不要，开始穿起尿布来，唯一肯做的就是按摩。

My mother name is Foong Yoke Kheng. After we had grown up, we stayed and worked in northern Malaysia. My brother bought a double storey semi-detach house. After my father’s retirement, we requested them to move over, so they didn’t have to travel. Actually here is my father’s hometown too.
After they had moved about a year, my mother fell down and cracked her pelvis. She complaint about pain whenever she walked. She became unhappy. Before this she liked to chat; she seldom smiles since then. She always stays in the room; doesn’t even bother when friends came and visited her. She refused to do exercise and even go to the toilet. She preferred to wear diapers. The only thing she wanted to try was massage.
My brother hired a maid to take care of her. Her spirit completely downed, she didn’t want to try even we encouraged her. Doctor advised that this is not good for her. I always reminded myself not to do likewhat she did when I grow older. But God’s will, I have to fae similar situation even before at the age of 40.
弟弟请了一个工人照顾她。她意志消沉，完全没有战斗力，我屡劝不听，什么也不想做。医生说心情会影响病情，但她老是不听。不久，她也能自行走动了我常警惕自己老了别像她。谁知道我四十不到就必须面对相似地情况。

After I had my stroke, all the attention from the family members shifted to me. Although she can walked, but sighed at each step. They gather at my house and maid helped to massage. My mother was so impatient and pushed to come back home. In return, I encouraged her to improve. (I was full of confidence that I could recover during that period)

中风回家后，全家人把注意力从母亲转移到我的身上。母亲虽然已经能够自己走路，但依然常常哀声叹气。中风后，大家就会到我家聚合，带着佣人来帮我按摩，她就会一直催大家回家。在她的面前我总是充满信心，鼓励她也振作起来。(其实初期中风的我的确充满信心，对前景毫不担心。)

中风一个月后，爸爸载我到医院检查，医生警告我说要控制情绪，不可太过伤心或高兴。当天就听说妈妈肚子痛进了医院。我当然是没有去探望她。这几天，全家人都一直进出医院，我被告之说她的病情不稳定，起起落落，进了紧急室。我只能够在家念经回向给她，希望她能渡过这一关。
After a month, my father fetched me to hospital for follow-up. Doctor advised me to control my emotion. On the same day, my mother was admitted and I couldn’t visit her. My relative to-and-fro hospital and I was told that her condition is not stable and bedded in ICU. I could only pray for her and wished that she would make it.

十二月八日晚上七点半，丈夫匆忙回家载我和女儿去爸爸家说妈妈出院了，要我们去见她。我就有些奇怪了，在路上忍不主问是不是出事了？因为病人不可能从紧急室马上回家。丈夫叫我保持冷静，说妈妈病情恶化，我们现在赶去见她最后一面。
7.30pm, 8th Dec 05, my husband informed that my mother was discharged from the ICU and she is on her way back to my brother’s house. He instructed me and my daughter to get ready to visit her right away. I suspected something is wrong and asked my husband whether bad thing had happen? He asked me to keep calm and to be with my mother through her last moment.

到了那儿，全家都到了，用轮椅推我去见她，她已手脚冰冷了。妹妹已帮她换好衣服、化好了妆，见了我后，医务人员就把插管拔掉，她也停止了呼吸，再由医生来证实她的死亡时间。
All the close family members arrived. They wheeled me beside her bed and her body temperature decreased. My sister dressed her up properly and the nurse pull out all supporting hoses (that moment, she couldn’t breath by her self) and the doctor confirmed that she had passed away.

她就这样走了，大家怕我情绪太过波动，送我回家，我也乖乖听话，她的葬礼我没出席，我只在家不停念经，还强打精神继续做物理治疗。其实这也是我的遗憾，虽然我知道她一定不会怪我。
We lost her… not to let me to go into deeper emotion, they send me home, I obey and cry my eyes out. I could not attend her funeral, just prayed for her from a distance. I knew as a mother, she would not blame her children for not being able to attend funeral, but yet, I feel sorry till now. I spirited my self to continue with the rehab.

物理治疗 Rehability

回家后，第一件事就是要物理治疗，把自己的不能变成能。在医院只学会了坐和站。父亲从朋友口中知道了一家私人物理中心，于是自己就此进入了另一个世界。
第一天到那儿认识了和蔼的张女士， 她马上要我从床上走到厕所，十一天来我第一次站起来走路，当时是左一人扶，右一人扶，还有一人要提我的左脚。那天晚上，我竟然可以提起左脚，我赶快打电话告诉爸爸。让我对以后充满了信心，当时的我以为只要我勤劳，三到六个月准能恢复正常。

可惜，人生总不能事事如意，我天天祈祷，希望有奇迹出现。结果天天带泪失望地睡着。梦里的我总是个会跑会跳的人，醒来后依然左边瘫痪。平时开心乐观的我原本一点都不担心，因为也见过好几位中风者痊愈了。 但是伤心失望终是难免。劝人的话从前自己也常对人说，现在明白到当事人只有一个念头：你又不是我，你怎会了解。原来做起来比说难上好几万倍。

这个时刻家人的支持最为重要，我很幸运有一个好丈夫及好爸爸。丈夫虽然忙着工作但每晚总会好话说尽，当时确实听不进，但经验告诉我，家人及朋友的劝告不可间断。它会让我们鼓起勇气向前进。当时的我心情坏透，根本不想说话也不想见人，因为我开始失去勇气不断回忆那段恐怖的遭遇。爸爸虽然不多话，但总是尽量安排载我去物理治疗。每天我都会收到好几个远方朋友所传来的短讯，老实说当时的确很受用。我开始每天到物理治疗处报到，每天重复几种呆板的运动，问题是我也总是做不到。人生这一条道路总要往前走，于是我开始明白这一条路不好走。

After I went home, the first thing I did was to search for a rehab centre; I just hoped that miracle will happen. I learnt to sit and stand in the hospital. Then my father found a rehab centre in Kampung Sirih, Bukit Mertajam. I walked into a different world since then.

The very first day, I met a nice lady name Madam Diong. When I said I wanted to go to the toilet, she asked me to walk. This was the first time I walked since stroke. I walked to the toilet with the help of three people. One on the right and one on my left side both holding my arms, another one was lifting my left foot. That night, I managed to lift up my foot. I told my father immediately. I was so confident that if I work hard enough I will gain back my strength within 3 to 6 months.

However in our life things won’t happen as we planned. Even though I pray every day and night, the miracle didn’t happen. I wet my pillow every night. I can run and jump in my dream, but when I woke up my left side still paralyzed. I was a happy woman and always think positively. I knew a few stroke survivors who become normal now. But I still feel sad and disappointed with my unknown future. Whenever others tried to advise us, we as a patient will always think that you are not in my shoe, how do you know my feelings?

Moral support from the family is the most important thing to encourage the patient. I am lucky to have a supportive and understanding husband and father. Every night my husband will try to motivate me to make me feel better. At that moment I was still in denial and cannot accept my condition. I feel that the encouragement from the family members and friends shouldn’t stop. That will make us brave enough to face our problems. I felt really bad, I don’t want to talk and meet anyone. This is because I do not want to repeat my story over and over again. My father didn’t talk much but he always tried his best to fetch me to the rehab centre. I received a few SMS from my friends everyday. It really helps. I went to rehab centre everyday and repeat the same physical exercises that I can’t even do. I know that life have to move on and still a long way to go.

我开始学会看眼前及珍惜眼前。出院至今由远自彭亨的小姑照顾我，邻居小青替我煮午餐及晚餐，还请了个钟点工人来打扫家里。朋友秀兰天天过来陪我并协助我做运动。眼看一个月快过去了，我心里也开始着急，我还不能自行走路，要上厕所也要喊人，小姑假期也快完了。我明白到日子总要自己继续过，当下之即是先找个好佣人。
于是我开始祈祷赶快找个佣人，帮忙照顾我及小女儿。终于女佣来了，她心肠很好，很疼女儿。我伤心时还会陪我流泪。虽然做工有点慢，但胜在肯学又勤劳，于是放心多了。
学校开学了，女儿换了新的幼儿园，开始新生活，每天下午还随阿姨或外公去他们家做功课。我也开始新的生活，虽然带着泪，但依然坚持在工人的陪同下天天到物理治疗处报到。‘希望明天会更好’成了我最新的口头弹。

在运动的过程中，总会习惯性为自己定下目标，一个月后希望能做这个或那个动作，或至少能增加能力。但在这几个月中进步缓慢。我早上六点半起床就要女佣开始帮忙我做运动，吃了早餐，送了女儿上幼儿园，我又继续努力。下午两点吃了午餐后，父亲或妹妹会送我到物理治疗处继续努力。

I started to learn how to appreciate things. My sister in-law from Pahang is taking care of me these day, my neighbour Xiao Ching helped to prepare our lunch and dinner, I engaged a temporally maid to do our house work. My friend Xiu Lan came to accompany and assist me. One month later, I started to worry; I still unable to walk by myself. I need help whenever I need to go to the toilet. My sister in-laws have to go home. I have to face the fact that I need to figure out how to continue my own life.
I pray that I can get a good maid. My maid (Masni Rositi) managed to reach before my sister in-law went home. She is a kind woman. She took good care of my little girl. She sympathizes my situation and always cry together with me. She was slow but hardworking.
The school started, I changed my daughter to a nearer kindergarten, and she also started her new school life. Everyday after lunch, my sister or my father will take me to the rehab centre, the maid will come along; my daughter will follow her aunty or grandfather. I always hoped that tomorrow will be better.
During the exercises, I will always set a target, hoping that after a certain period I can perform exercise without assistance, or at lease increase my strength. But unfortunately my target can’t be achieved. When the time passes by, I can’t see any improvement. I woke up at 6.30 in the morning and with the help from the maid I will do my exercises. After breakfast, my daughter will go to the kindergarten. I will continue with my limited exercises. At 2 o’clock after lunch, my father or sister will take me to the rehab centre again.
Somehow, the progress is very slow and seems stagnant. This really upset me. Month after month, my baby grows. With the paralyzed left limbs, I felt rather difficult to breath and walk. The physiotherapist told me my walking style is incorrect. I felt hopeless and frustrated. Disappointment rolled like a snow ball. I felt really sad. Each time I met someone I knew, without hesitate, I out burst. I even cried during exercise. I know that I shall not bust out like this and I must change. There are hundreds of people around who struggle to breathe everyday. I told myself life must go on, at least until the delivery.

总之人算不如天算，日子天天过，进步却像不再属于我。我像是在原地踏步，心焦如焚的我开始有点失望，心情非常低落。一个又一个月过去，肚子慢慢大起来了。走起路来虽然勉强可以，但却有些困难，治疗师却老是说姿势不对。心里头的希望越来越小，失望却越滚越大。当时的我是最难过的，逢见相识的人必哭。连做运动时都在掉泪。最后， 自己清楚明白不管怎样都要走出谷底。世上还有很多人每天以微弱的呼吸来维持生命。生命总要延续下去，我告诉自己必须重新调整心情，等生了孩子再说。

注： 三年后的今天我依然打起精神往物理治疗中心走去，只是如今的我换成一星期报到两次，而且是自己驾车去。我不知道这一条路还必须走多久。但一切都已不再重要。我珍惜所拥有的一切，也感谢一路走来每一个曾经直接或间接帮助过我的人。不管所伸出的援助是多么的弱小，它却在我心里留下无数的涟漪。衷心的感谢大家。特别是我亲爱的丈夫及敬爱的爸爸。

p/s: It has been three years now and I still heading the rehab centre without slight decrease in spirit. The only different is the frequency where only twice a week. I already back to work and able to drive an auto-transmission vehicle. I do not know how long this journey is going to be, and now, it is no longer matter me. I appreciated better what I possessed and grateful to those who supported and encouraged me. No matter how small it was, it helps. Thanks to you, and special dedication to my beloved husband and father.

中风记 stroke

两千零五年十一月六日对我来说意义重大，是上天给了我一个重生的机会。

中午两点半，到外用餐后回来正在看电视节目的我突然感到头晕，我正想要进房休息，却再也站不起来，在不到一分钟里健康的我瘫痪了左半身，像是突然失去了左半身，成了一个半死人。当时的我依然神智清晰地向丈夫大喊：“我中风了！快打电话叫救伤车。”当时丈夫想扶起我，但我坚持叫他别动我，因为当时我有孕在身，千万不能跌倒。

在等救伤车的同时，先生用针替我刺破每根手指头，拼命尝试挤出血来，这些都是我们从书上读到的一些中医的常识。当时的我已开始呕吐了。女儿在旁开始不停地哭了，我赶忙安慰她，叫她别哭也别怕。
中风！怎么会是我？我才三十七岁，而且肚子还怀着十六个星期大的孩子和一个可爱的女儿，我不能死！我不能晕！心里很害怕，只能不停地念：阿弥陀佛。在四个大人的帮助下终于上了救伤车。
救伤车的笛声不断在耳边响着，只企求赶快到医院。从山上（金马仑〕到山脚（怡保〕也不知道过了多久，路上吐了好几次，搞到护士全身都是残渣，我不停地向护士道歉。

6th November 2005 was a though day for me. I am given the second chance to live.
2.30 pm, I was watching television after having lunch. Suddenly, I felt dizzy so I planned to have a nap in the room. I realized that I couldn’t stand up. There was numbness in my left side, then a second later I lost my left side, I become half dead. I shouted at my husband telling him that,’I’m having a stroke, call the ambulance,’ He wanted to help me but I told him not to do so because I was pregnant 16 weeks and I didn’t want to fall down. Then I started to vomit.
While waiting for the ambulance, my husband used a needle to pricked my finger tip and tried to squeeze the blood out, which we had learnt through Chinese Medication. My 5 year old daughter was standing beside me and started to cry. I persuaded her not to do so and not to be afraid.
Stroke ? Why me? I’m only 37 years old; I was carrying a 16 week old baby and I have a lovely daughter. I didn’t want to die, I don’t want to faint. I kept praying calling the name of‘Buddha'. With the help of my neighbours, I was carried to the ambulance.
The siren of the ambulance can be heard all along the journey to the hospital. I just hoped that I will manage to reach the hospital. I was vomiting all along the journey. I apologized to the nurse.

人既将死，脑袋里就开始特别活跃，想到女儿刚才害怕的眼神，我知道她一定还在哭。当时的我心想：到了医院就没问题了。

送进医院，见到了丈夫，知道女儿与公公在一起，心里安定了一些。谁知道送进急救室后，照了扫描，脑溢血，医生却说不能做什么，因为我怀孕，除非拿掉肚子里的孩子。这当然不行，孩子已经四个月，只可以关察看第二天脑会不会停止出血。于是这一生中最漫长的一夜开始了。整晚看着不停发出 ‘啤！啤！’ 声的仪器，心情也不停随着它起伏不定，只能不停地祈祷：孩子，你要坚强，与妈妈一起努力奋斗，渡过这一关。

护士不停地劝我一定要睡觉，我想起日本一名博士做的研究’水的力量’，一直向着点滴说话：请求葡萄糖水能告诉我脑里的血停止流，丈夫则不断地念大悲咒水给我喝，整晚进出急救室。我当时根本不敢睡，因为害怕从此不能醒。依稀记得半夜三点过后才迷迷糊糊睡着。

七点四十五分再次准备推我去照扫描。出来后，见到了爸爸，只说了一句：爸爸，我很怕！当时的我，讲话开始有点结巴，家人都赶来了，其实我们才结伴旅行，因我回婆家因此分手不到两天，女儿被妹妹带回去了。

九点半，脑科医生来来看我，他说恭喜我：血已停止，再观察后就可以移出急救室到普通病房。但同时也告诉我脑部破例处被称为动静脉畸型。其实那到底是什么东西？当时的我们听得莫明奇妙。接着医生安排我到妇产科处检查，孩子没事。我被移到另一处的急救室，听说是较稳定的病人，那儿进出的病人较多，那一晚是在邻床的呻吟声中睡着。

第三天，换到普通病房，我虽有资格住头等病房，但也得慢慢等，病人又多又吵，动弹不得，背后像有火在烧，发现政府医院里的护士什么也不会，连基本的移动病人也不会。幸好有先生一直陪伴在旁，帮我翻身。当时的我虽然头非常痛，但是却非常乐观，心里一直相信不久就会好起来。

这几天天天期待医生会带来好消息，却是不停地失望。我的动静脉畸型是天生的。弟弟上网看了些资料，也明白医生不能做什么。动静脉畸型是天生的，而且是个计时炸弹，随时会再次爆发，再次爆发的机率每年增加两巴仙。

我虽然伤心，但是却很快地接受了事实。医生给我吃止痛药及高血压的药，脑溢血就这样没了下文。两天后才成功转到头等病床，物理治疗师终于露面，教了我及丈夫如何从床上到轮椅，如何坐得稳。我只好接受事实，开始从坐学起。从床上翻身掉了下来，护士只好让每天睡在医院走廊的丈夫进来照顾我，让我睡在单人房。十一天后出院，回家第一晚又从床上掉下，幸运地肚子里的儿子没事。从此我的生命改写，与物理治疗结下了不解之缘。

When we are facing death, our mind becomes active, thinking of the loved ones. I knew my daughter was still crying. What ran in my mind was when I reached the hospital I will be fine.
I saw my husband when I reached the hospital, I felt delighted when I knew my daughter was with her grandfather. I had been sent to the ICU, after scanning they told me that my brain was bleeding. The doctor said because I was pregnant there was nothing much they can do unless I was in a serious condition. They had to wait for a night before making any decision. That was the longest night in my life. With the ‘pip.., pip..,’ sound from all the equipment, I was praying the whole night. I told my baby to be brave, to fight together with me, the 'mummy'.
The nurse asked me to have a rest, I thought of a research from a Japanese professor about the power of water. I started to talk to the glucose that hung beside my bed, I pleaded to the glucose to pass a message to my blood vessels to stop bleeding. My husband was praying ‘da pei zou’ for me; he was so worried that he was in and out the ICU that night. I was so afraid that I couldn't woke up if I slept. If I am not mistaken, I felt asleep at 3 am.
At 7.45am, I was sent to do the second scan. After my scan, I met my father; I told him that I was so afraid. That moment I found that I was having a little problem with my speech. My family was there; indeed I went to my mother in-laws house after a trip with them. My daughter went home with my sister.
9.30am, the doctor came and congratulated me saying that the bleeding had stopped. He told me the bleeding parts was called AVM (Arteriovenous Mal-formation). We didn’t know anything about it. After that the gynecologist checked my baby. The baby was alright. I was shifted to another ICU, the nurse told me the patients there were more stabil. There were many patients in and out there; I slept surrounded by the moaning sound from the patients.

On the third day, I was sent to normal medical ward. Even though I was qualified to stay at the A class ward, but I had queue to get into a A class ward. There were so many patients in the normal medical ward. It was so noisy. My back felt burning. The nurse doesn’t know how to move the patient. Luckily my husband was with me all the time, he helped me to turn to the left and right. I had a serious headache but I still thought positively. I was so sure that I will become normal soon.

I was waiting for good news from the doctor all these days, but felt disappointed. The doctor told me that my case was called ArterioVenous Malformation. Its was natural born in me, this part has boomed. The doctor said the chances for it to burst again increase 2 % every year. Since I was pregnant they couldn’t do anything.
My brother looked for some information from the internet. We realized that the doctor cannot do anything much. The doctors gave me some pain killers and high blood pressure medication. Two days later, I was transferred to the A class ward, the physiologist appeared at last. She thought me how to sit up and transferred from the bed to wheel chair. I had to face the fact that my left side was paralyze; I had to start all over again. I learnt how to sit and stand. I fell from the bed that night; the nurse was so worried that they had to let my husband sleep beside me. Eleven days later, I went home. I fell from the bed again that night, luckily my baby was alright. Since then, my life had change. Rehab become parts of my life.

注：一直到今天我终于了解到虽然科技发达，但对人脑的理解依然非常贫乏。万一不幸地中风或脑部受伤，医生只能够通过手术确保脑部不再出血。接下去的一切，就得靠你自己的努力。医生甚至不能告诉你痊愈的机会。他们也没有任何药物让你脑中损伤的部分复原。无人可以帮助你。这与平时我们的习惯，有病就找医生，一点都不相同。幸运的话，脑细胞破坏不多，很快就痊愈；不幸运的话，就有一条漫长的道路等着你。

p/s: I realized that even though our science and technology is advancing every day, but our knowledge about our own brain is so little. If happened that you are having stroke or head injuries, the only thing that the doctor can do is to make sure that your brain stops bleeding, they can not do anything to recover your damage parts. The doctor can not tell you the possibility for you to recover. How are you going to do that depends on you totally? You are totally alone fighting. Sometimes you will feel so lonely and lost. If you think the doctor can help you, you are totally wrong. If you are lucky, your brain cell will not damage, you can cure it in a short time; if not, it is a long way to go.